There are times during this whole festive season where I get overwhelmed with mind crushing loneliness. I don't want to be alone and I momentarily think 'I didn't choose this! It's so unfair!'. Then I realize that I have chosen it. I don't want to settle for just anyone (supposing it is easy to get just anyone....I'm told that it is...). Damned standards and minor sense of self.

It's still mind crushing none the less.

And of course I have family and friends but that's not what I mean...

Boy am I a saddo. But how to get a life? How to get what I want? I do not know. I have taken classes that interest me; all women. I go to concerts on my own: never seem to speak to anyone. Go to galleries, events, conferences etc.: errr...nothing. I do not know! So far I haven't tried the internet dating thing. Maybe that should be next?

Ack! I sound like a pathetic loser!! Mind I've just imbibed a bit o' the al-key-hall and this is the year I have found the effect of it. Tipsy, tipsy me! Drownding my sorrows? Not really. Maybe? Nah. Just tired of it all and unsure of wht steps to take. I am scared and tired and getting older bu the moment and just want someone to love me; someone that I love back.

Bah. I AM a whiner. Yuck. I hate it. Crap. What to do, what to do....

A Question of Self

Why am I so unloveable?

That's a thought that slips into my mind every so often and quite a bit over the past weeks. It's a thought I hate and have a hard time sharing because I feel like I am seeking out compliments. I am looking for understanding. I want answers where there do not seem to be any.

I mean loveable in the guy/girl sense. My friends and family love me but I am finally acknowledging that I want a guy to love me, find me attractive and want to be with me.

I look around and wonder what other people have that I don't. What traits and attributes am I lacking? What makes someone appealing? How did he end up with someone? How did she?


If I can remove myself far enough from myself and try to attempt to look at me with a mildly rational and non judgmental mind I see someone who is cute-ish, not thin but not absolutely ginormous either (ie. could lose weigh...in a real sense not just a girl sense...), someone with a good and somewhat dirty sense of humour, someone who has a lot of friends and has kept them long term, someone with some knowledge (I question my smarts when I look at some decisions I've made but I think that is fairly normal for most people to do), someone who's traveled, someone who likes to learn and the like.

So I guess I am rather regular. I'm not stunning in any department but neither am I horrifying . Some rather horrifying people end up with partners/spouses. It all makes me confused.

I don't believe in the one true love/ soulmate thing. I think there are many people out there who we could be compatible with and it just depends who you meet first. Times like this I question that thinking. Maybe, for some, there is just no one. Maybe there is no one for me.

I don't know how to reconcile that within myself. I fought wanting this for a number of years and now I do want it, troubles and all, and it sucks. Sometimes it down right hurts.

Oh ...
I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
Oh ...
.
.
.
And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
If I seem a little strange
That's because I am

But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me

Unloveable lyrics- The Smiths

oh god
is it cheating if you've never defined this thing you are doing?

if so something is seriously wrong with me as I am not as upset as I think I should be.
oh god

oh lord, there's the problem

Doormat 60% Romanticism, 44% Melodrama, 50% Desperation, 40% Uselessness

High Romanticism, Low Melodrama, High Desperation and Low Uselessness - you are the Doormat. You're doing okay here. You may even be in a relationship. People like you. You're easy. Unfortunately, therein lies the problem. [ this test sponsored by the home of Doomed Romantics on the web: Love Is A C*nt ]

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Romanticism You scored higher than 99% on Melodrama You scored higher than 99% on Desperation You scored higher than 99% on Uselessness

Link: The Doomed Romantic Test written by verace on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

My inexperience when it comes to dealing with men as more than friends makes my head hurt. I've read books and watched TV programs and listened to friends but I almost feel like I am wandering around blind.


I find this hard. I want to figure things out. I want to be in control. I want to see and plan. But I cannot do any of that. I have to leave my hands, my head, and (gulp!) my heart open and it freaks me out. I find myself stretched thin. I cannot just call up the guy, PJ, anytime I want and I really can't see him anytime I want. So I get stuck in my own head; wondering, thinking and even worrying.

I'm not a horrendous communicator but I do have a bad habit of thinking things out and then not communicating the entire picture/process. That leads to me having to clarify and explain. This happens in all my relationships and it is something I try to remind myself of, that I need to include the other person/persons more. As well I do not like confrontation and conflict (does anybody?) so I really assess if an issue is necessary to bring up.

Talking with PJ can exacerbate all these for me. Then I feel like a flake and an idiot. Right now there are some questions I think I may have to ask yet it scares me because I might get those answers that I don't want but then again I could just be overthinking it all.

I want easy.
That isn't true life though.
Argh...the fear...
Ooh, my head.

I have to ask myself every so often it this is worth it, if he is worth it. It is still, yes. But I am not sure where he is at right now. It causes me stress and tears.

A Seasonal Joke

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,"Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Pj went on a little vacation this past weekend.
I got an email when he arrived back in his new home town:

Best time I've had with my clothes on since I left (his home country).

I have no idea what he's talking about.
*blush*

A year ago today I was on a plane, slightly nauseous with nerves, going to see a boy. It didn't turn out at all like I'd expected or would have liked. I got a semi decent holiday and then spent December with tears in my eyes and with being disillusioned about the world.

Now I am once again looking at getting on a plane to see a guy, my guy, PJ. I have the nevous feeling again but this time it has more to do with the fact he'll be working hard to get into my pants. That and we may need to have some sort of talk about what the hell we are doing. Fun? Yes. Good? Yes. But it's almost a year as well (holy hell!) and I guess I need to have a little definition as to what this all is in his eyes.

Distance is a bugger. That and the fact that he is only sporadically working (contracts) until he finds something more permanent leaves him living a 20-ish life style with so many changes going on that I do not know if he wants anymore than what we have right now. I want more. Who knew. I don't need the more tomorrow but I want it sooner than later. Sigh.


Maybe this is just girl brain over thinking it all. Maybe this is the hormones of the thirties all kicked in. Maybe this is just the next step.

I do not know.
I have never been here before.

For a bunch of reasons it's been a busy month. It even had some rollercoaster moments that added a special dynamic as well.

The boy, PJ, went silent. We'd had a talk, even discussing when we might see each other again and then....nothing. Of course this began a mental flip out for me. I had any number of scenarios running through my head from him being depressed (he doesn't love his new city) to him meeting another girl.

After a talk with a good friend I chose to go with the idea that he might be sad and, possibly, confused and in that frame of mind began a light and funny email barrage. I sent jokes, strange pictures, cheery thoughts and the like and still...nothing. Needless to say my mind was being done in. I cracked after a week and sobbed myself silly. It was a gut wrenching sort of cry; I broke blood vessels around my eyes and threw up. That's never happened before!

I was ready to just give it, and him, up. I was ready to fight my way back to where ever I'd left my cold, unfeeling self and rebuilding those walls. That's how I felt in the moment. I wanted to gather up all the bits of me that have been opening up this past year and hide them away. This stuff hurts.

And then I got an email. One week after the silence began:

You are being extraordinarily quiet

What?! I responded and...nothing. A day later I sent another and...nothing. Good gosh! I finally tweaked to the idea that maybe I was being junked so I did a back door contact through his blog. It turned out that he'd upgraded to a beta version with his email account and it had made me junk. He thought I'd been freaking out and I thought he was freaking out (amongst other things) and it was just a technological error.

And things are good, really good. PJ has asked me to come and see him. I am looking at tickets and time frames that work well for us both. My stomach is all twisty with excitement.

Things like this aren't helpful:

"My friend Mary is 54 and she just got married. She was a virgin."

Are you serious? Is that supposed to make me feel good, find some hope, make the wait easier? It doesn't.

54? Kill me now!

"Every older virgin has a unique story," Johnston explains. "They run the gamut from terrible shyness to emotionally barren families to sexual abuse. But all older virgins feel terrible shame. They feel embarrassed and humiliated by their lack of relationship experience." Age 30 seems to be a line of demarcation. "By 30," Blanchard explains, "older virgins feel so socially awkward and out of sync with the world around them that they choose to hide." (found here)

That's quite the statement.
Shame about being a virgin? Not so much.
Embarrassed? Some.
Humiliated? Not so much.

Awkward is the best word yet I can't say that I'm hiding away. I may choose to not share my (non) sexual history with everyone but does anybody always share? As far as having relationships? I may not have had the serious guy-girl type in my past but I have many friends of both sexes, some for 20+ years.

When going through the relational things with PJ I find myself feeling like a teenager due to my lack of experience. It is like I have to squeeze in everything to get to a more age appropriate reaction. At least that is how I see it. Maybe a lot of people are kooky in the head when it comes to this stuff. Maybe everyone thinks and analyzes and wonders where it is all going. Maybe everyone gets goofy.

Likely it's just me.
Oooh my brain.

PJ and I were chatting and I sent him a pic of myself....out of the shower, wrapped in a towel! It was steamy and you can barely see me but, whoa, what's up with me? I'd never have imagined taking a pic like that nevermind sending it to someone. Apparently I am coming out of my shell or....am a dirty, dirty girl.

He loved it.
He said he was going to call.
He did.
It was kind of hot and dirty.
*blush*

Now I am a little embarrassed about it but I believe I shall live.

They make it sound easy

	j: Recipe for Love
	- a pound of confidence
	- 1/4 of a cup of charm
	- a gallon of romance
Lightly brown.
'What is your recipe for love?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Strangely enough (since this) talk of sex toys has come up more than once over the past week. First I was asked if I owned any by someone who's only in the acquaintence category (I don't by the way). Then I had to explain what a cock ring was to a married friend who wondered how and why I knew about them (reading, TV). To top it off I had to explain tea bagging and pearl necklaces to another friend.

photo JKW

Me. The supposed innocent. And the virgin.

I have never been in a sex shop. I get embarrassed just thinking about it. I know that on the day I entered one, that would be the day someone I knew would drive by and seem me either entering or leaving- ugh! I still get flustered buying bras and 'feminine hygiene' products. I don't know how it got so ingrained into me but so far I have not been able to crush those embarrassed feelings. I can talk about sex stuff with friends and have, on occasions, shocked them with my knowledge as I have the least experience of all (why don't people read???) but cannot bring myself to 'investigate' it in person. The mere though is making me cringe right now.

I swear I am not that big of a prude...
But I am shy.

New guy, whom I shall christen PJ (because he looks like a famous person with those initials and I can't come up with anything else), has been threatening to send me a vibrator! He is greatly amused by this idea and has mentioned it a few times in the past week. Oh man!



I've dared him so...we shall see.

(I have a postie friend who has told me mail room horror stories of the things they do with those anonymous brown paper packages and the mocking that ensues for the eventual deliveree. They are mean, mean, mean!)

You Are 53% Passionate, 47% Compassionate

You possess an ideal balance of passion and compassion. You definitely can get swept away and lose your head a little. But you're rarely a fool for love!

Is Your Love Style Passionate or Compassionate?

Somedays I think I'd like to be a fool but then that darned rationality sneaks back in.

I wonder if he got any takers.

Man fixes PCs in exchange for second base From Craigslist SF Bay Area: I'll Fix Your Computer if You Let Me Feel Your Boobs - 26 (haight ashbury)



Cute/nice IT guy/PC specialist will fix your computer in exchange for a gentle feel of your boobs. I'm a totally non-creepy (really) professional who will repair your hard drive, back up files, install software and peripherals, whatever, for an innocent grope. I have a lot of tech knowledge in my life and regrettably no boobs. Serious inquiries only and thanks.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Mom and Dad (he's blind)
2 daughters (they are almost blind)
1 son (he's deaf)
Gramma (blind as well)

A 2 hr episode. Many tears ensued.
Everytime. Every single time I blub like a big baby.
I love and hate the show :)

Disobey my own decisions, I deserve all your suspicion
First it's yes and then it's no, I dilly dally down to duo
But I got no secrets that I babble in my sleep,
I won't make promises to you that I can't keep

And you know that I love you here and now, not forever
I can give you the present, I don't know 'bout the future,
that's all stuff and nonsense

I once lived for the future, every day was one day closer
Greener on the other side, this I believed before I met you
I soon learned your love burned brighter than the stars in my eyes
Now I know how and when I know where and why

And you know that I love you here and now, not forever
I can give you the present, I don't know 'bout the future,
that's all stuff and nonsense

I hadn't heard from the new guy(maybe I should name him) for over 2 weeks. I got an email this evening.

It felt like a weight lifted....
And that makes me happy and sad.

I Don't Know.

That's my head right now. I don't know. And do I ever hate that. And it make me ramble.

I guess I am feeling out of 'it'. I am someone who has a lot of friends, good friends not just acquaintance types, yet right now I feel lonely and alone too much of the time. I am certain part of it is how different my life is from all of their's (married and either pregnant or all ready with kids). I would say 99% of this feeling is me induced. They always ask me to be involved in goings on and I am the favourite among the kids (I am 'the bestest adult friend' and 'I so funny').

I think it is a combo of age (birthday is soonish), wanting a new job, wanting to change where I live and wanting someone to share life with.

I swear I do not have a fairytale ideal in my head when it comes to someone to be with. I've seen the work involved and I've also seen it all fall apart. Along with that I get to see how much fun, connection and, dare I say, love can be involved (ooh, the L word). I don't need this but I sure do want it.

It seems to be a bad case of the blues combined with jealousy and fear with a dash of what the hell on the side. Could I be depressed? Maybe. I am like a leaky faucet right now when I am alone and yet I choose to be alone as I don't want to fall apart around other people. Ugh. They worry or give advice and/or platitudes and this makes me feel guity and grumpy as I really do have it pretty good overall.

I think I am looking at where I am , where I thought I would be and trying to figure out where I want to go. This is ongoing. I've taken workshops, classes, read books and asked questions but I keep coming up blank.

Sigh.
Rambles.

This is my second haloscan problem. Ugh.
The last time it outed me and my other blog to a friend by posting my info on his blog...
which I never read.
Most perturbing.

This time it outed me to another blogger that I've met but who I'd rather didn't know the tidbits of info I write about here.
Pain in the ass.

I feel somewhat relationship/sex obssessed these days and I can't decide if it is due to a) writing at this place b) the people I spend the majority of my time with or c) my age.

I'm entering the supposed peak ages for women.
Some days I feel I could chew my arm off.

When I read over the little 'test' thing below I think 'Hmm, yes that could really be me' (other than articulate...that I can have problems with due to the thinking) and yet I have not been in love to really know how I'd do. All the things listed? Those are things I try to do in all relationships. I aim to put my brain before my emotions yet this seems to be changing a lot over the past year. And emotions? They are hard for me. They seem so out of control.

I spent my time in the shower crying today. I turned the water on, got in and then was sobbing like a big, big baby. It was unexpected and it startled me. My shower was extra long as I couldn't stop the tears. Geez.

Control.

You Are Left Brained In Love

Cool and clearheaded Tend not to get swept away Dependable and trustworthy Able to look at thing objectively Honest and direct in relationships Rely on standards when picking a man Good at solving relationship problems Ready to compete for your sweetie's heart Articulate, a good conversationalist, and witty Think overly romantic displays are a waste of time A few serious boyfriends as opposed to many flings Notice all of the details about your guy - good and bad

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

Comments I've had this Week

You look different. Did you meet someone? said by a co-worker when I got back to work (I hadn't seen them since being with the guy).

I told them no (yes I outright lied), as I do not share a lot with my co-workers, while at the same time thinking 'but they say you can't tell by looking at a person?!?' We didn't have the full sex but... fun was had.
I guess I appear better on the outside than I feel on the inside.

I'm concerned about you. said by a friend. When I questioned her as to what she meant she said she was worried I might do myself in.

She caught me off guard with this. I did not realize that I can come off quite so dark to others (even though it can be very dark in my head). I cannot imagine ever going there. I may hide away and talk very negatively but as far as killing myself? No way. If that was me, if that was who I am, I'd have done that in high school. Those were such dark days, the days I felt like nothing was good, but (and I see this as a good thing) I felt too guilty about how devastated the people left behind would be.
This too makes me wonder about this idea: 'I wonder if I will ever be one of the happy people? Or am I too realistic for that?'
But this has given me things to ponder for sure.

You are being so mature about this. said by a friend when we were talking about the guy and how things are going with him.

I have my freak in the head moments but having a brain that (mainly) works on logic I really do not see the point of being an emotional basket case with the general public! I save that for here and when I am by myself.
The thing with the guy? We've talked. We are leaving things open for now. He needs to figure out work and then a different living situation (he is at loose ends after moving countries and all). We live on different continents. Geez, I can pick 'em.
I see the truth of all of this and really belive it is not a line and so all I can do is trust. Do I want more? Yes. But it's only been a month. My feelings may change but for now I still want more with him. More, more, more : )

I think of you when I touch myself. said by the guy.

Well...no one has ever said that to me before. I am in two minds about this. It makes me feel odd and good all at the same time.

First step:

I am quitting one of my jobs by the end of this month. I do not look forward to the drama of it as I am quite certain it will put numerous people noses out of joint.


It will stressful but it is necessary.
I cannot put up with the 'shennigans' anymore.

I'm back.
So, you'd think a vacation would be refreshing (other people's seem to be).


Mine?
Well my brain decided to work overtime and I did a lot of thinking about work, friends, family etc. Unfortunately it included some rehashing of the past in the form of would have, should have, could have and in the end that thinking doesn't get me anywhere...other than crazy.

I need to change...something.
I need to figure out what that something is.

I want some satisfaction yet I do not seem to find it in anything.
I have noticed how many of the things that I do are because I should and not necessarily because I want to . It is that they are the right thing to do (and in the long run some of them have to be done for now...bills and such).

I wonder if I will ever be one of the happy people? Or am I too realistic for that? Life holds no promise except that we all eventually die in the end.

I'm just a regular bucket of cheer.

Still Away...

A little vacation has come my way.
See you soon.

Your Heart Is Purple

For you, love is about establishing and developing a deep connection. If it's true love, it brings you more wisdom and inner strength. Your flirting style: Sincere Your lucky first date: An afternoon at a tea house Your dream lover: Is both thoughtful and expressive What you bring to relationships: Understanding

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Too much Information?

Got the period.
This was the second time in my life that I was on the glad side of things to see it.

I was a late bloomer (yay) and it got to the point that I was worried that I was going to have to go to the doctor's and get checked out due to the fact that things were not working as per the norm. All the teen magazine's said that you should go if you had not started by 16. I lived in the tension of really not wanting it to start and really not wanting to be probed by the Doc.

This time? Well...
There was some, um,not so dry fooling around with the new guy.
His hands were down my pants on a few occasions.
Mine over his.
Other times there were no pants to speak of!

I wasn't extremely worried after the fact but in my brain I had a little voice that would pop up and say 'What if?'.

That would have been B-A-D.

I know the science and statistics of it all but any percent is a lot in my books. I also have always had a secret fear that I am extremely fertile. And, really, wouldn't it just figure that the little virgin who still hadn't gone all the way would likely get pregnant?

Boobage

Let me start with a *blush*........



It turns out that the boobs are good.
Who knew!

To me they are just the blobs of flesh that I have to dress around. They are a little too generous for my liking but not for the guy. He liked them

He said:

"You have good boobs. Firm"
squeeze
"And nice nips."

Yes. I got felt up.
A few good kisses and I lost my shirt. Then my tank top and the bra as well.
lord!
It was dark the first time (thank goodness) and even though I said yes my breathing became more rapid because I was so nervous. He told me not to panic and that it would be alright and then proceeded to kiss me some more.

I lost my shirt everyday that he was here.
I sometimes lost it multiple times per day.
And the boobs?
They were a little tender by the end of our week.
They felt bruised but didn't look it.

I have now experienced the squeeze, the pinch, the twist, the kiss, the suck and the nip/bite.

And I'll end as I began....*blush*

May I never be so desperate.

Being older and finally experiencing pretty much...anything...sends me into teenland tizzy's. I swear I end up regressing in age and am overwhelmed with teen angst.

At the same time I do not regret anything I did with the new guy. I went into it with a (mostly) clear mind and made my choices all along the way. I don't want to tell everybody, obviously, and I do not think they could handle it anyway. I want to enjoy the memories and not be frowned at for perceived crossing of my social circles boundries. But boy are they curious.

I got to say no.
I got to say yes.
I have to live with myself.

I got a peck on the cheek at the airport. It was sweet and tame.
It was a little later that evening that I got kissed properly and for a long time.

Swoon.
Swoon.
Swoon.



It has been too many years. Too, too many. He's a lovely kisser. There wasn't too much tongue and I must admit I really liked it when he sucked on and bit my bottom lip. Who knew! We wore my chin down all week long and I am still putting extra moisturizer on it to help with the redness.

Brain at Work

So.
Yes.
Well.
The guy has flown away.

Fun was had. We had a really good time together. I learned...a lot.
Now my head is working overtime on processing it all.

I have an odd sense of happy coupled with feeling fragile and vulnerable. This feeling stuff still makes my head hurt and also makes me somewhat tense and testy. I find them hard to express as they make no sense. I need rational and logical and feelings do not fit in those categories.

It was not like the winter at all.
Yet I am still not coupled.
We are friends who had a week of (some) benefits.

More later after more thinking.

The Big V is slightly more technical now.

Rubbed the sucker raw.
Then it got dry and rough and flaky.
Not lovely. Not pretty.
Still it doesn't stop the kissing.
Now the dry is gone and it's just red again.
(the pic doesn't do it justice)

He's here.
So far so good.

I was hanging out with the girls and of course they want to talk about the guy.

"Tell us more, tell us more!"

It's fine. I give them bits and pieces.

Like the fact I got my toes done.
Like I've got some waxing done (no not that!).
Like the last time we talked on the phone.
Like the fact he changed his original travel plans to see me instead of going to another place.
Like the fact I have an airport outfit (how girly is that, sheesh).

Then we move on to what our plans are while he's here and whether or not the girls will get to meet him. Eventually we get to the sex talk.

Boy can they send me crazy.

"You'd better not sleep with him J"
"Where is he staying J?"
"You aren't going to have sex with him are you J?"
"He can kiss you but that's it. You don't want to get into trouble J"

On and on it goes. There are times where it pisses me off to no end but I choose not to got there with them. If I get defensive I could cause them to worry and, really, it's up to me where it all goes.

I swear their memories of all this is fuzzed by their being married and getting a little something. And never mind just married; 3/4 of them were married at 19-20/ Geez! When I get the 'wait til your married' blah blah blah 'it's not that hard' blah blah blah I think, and sometimes say, "What are you talking about? You have no idea." I have more than a ten year ga since I was 20.

Ergh.
Still waiting though.

I can count the days on less than the fingers of one hand.
My nerves are kicking up.
And I have a dumb rash from waxing my legs.

I'm so very hot I tell ya.
Hmmf. Whatever.

Eeep.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is low. You've probably either had only one relationship.. Or all of your relationships have been very similar. You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try! Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium. You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love... But you've definitely been burned enough to know better. You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is high. You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love. Having your own life is very important for you... Even more important than having a relationship.

The Five Variable Love Test

We've been reduced to email as he has begun his travels. This might be good as I have some things to do before he arrives and it gives me time to plan fun things to do; going out, showing off the area things!

I've told friends now and they are irritating to no end. Well, they are not that bad but they have their moments. I guess they don't know what to do with me in this situation (not that I know either). Our conversations about the guy are quite stilted and hesitant and end rather quickly. Of course there is endless opinions on how to handle things, what to do and how each wants to meet him to give him a going over. Ugh. I cannot imagine subjecting him to that when we haven't spent time together (I know I'd hate it for myself).



I answer them the best that I can without giving everything away. I just want to keep it light hearted and easy and focus on the fun, friend like things that we talk about. I do not want to make it into some big thing when I just don't know what will happen, but, you know girl minds. My friends all have me married off already!

One topic does have me gritting my teeth when it gets brought up but...more on that later.

Seems Appropriate...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The fear of being a horrible met on the net story niggles in the back of my mind.

The last couple of weeks have been out of control in life. A lot of people issues that needed to be dealt with, work being a bugger and exposure issues at the other blog.

It's made my head hurt and the rest of me very tired. If it were possible I'd spend a week in bed with the covers pulled over my head and the phone unplugged.

But then I'd miss my times with the guy so up I get.
We have been reduced to IM for a variety of reasons for the next few weeks and I've been missing his voice. It's terribly girly of me. And I even told him that.

There was a fantastic storm on the weekend though.
Bucketing rain.
Thunder.
Lightning.
Wonderful and soothing.


(not my pretty pic)

Oh the Questions

I needed a true journal moment....

What the heck are you doing??? Who are you? Sometimes when I look at myself in all this it feels like I am looking at a stranger. This is so bizarre and so surreal and it makes my head hurt. The questions, oh the questions...

shit.

The nice good girl; where did she go? Am I really that bad? Is this really that bad? What's right? What's wrong? How far is too far? I seem to be going a lot further than I ever would have though and other than moments of utter freak out (that seem to pass rather quickly) it all seems alright.

Fumbling. That's what it seems like. Thoughts and emotions not always tracking. Thinking one thing. Wanting another. Which is right? Which is wrong? Is there right and wrong overall or is it more subjective? More something I need to decide? How do I figure that one out???

It's like contantly running two steps behind.

argh.

How ridiculous is this? Am I? Why is it far away I hold a certain appeal but not around here? How difficult does that make all this? Maybe I'm really some huge chicken and like the distance to make it safe, so that there is always a way out

Thinking, thinking, thinking....

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

True enough I do appear to be a cynic. It happens when you play the rational and logical cards to look at all sides of any issue (good and bad). Once you get in my heart though I'll commit very bad deeds indeed when you are threatened or attacked.

V-day: Bah!

Sarcastic? Who? Me? What are you talking about!
*wink*

Mushy cards make me throw up a little in my mouth. Ick. I drive my mother crazy as I just cannot buy a sappy card for her.

Hard to get; definitely. People have a very hard time getting me/understanding me, myself included at times!

I have been tagged by Serendipity
(I've never had an actual tag before. Usually I am a thief!)




I am: still trying to figure out what to do with my life.

I want: to travel more. To see old things and new things in other countries.

I wish: I knew what I wanted to be be when I grow up.

I hate: feeling like a failure.

I miss: summers at sea.

I fear: spiders (though I can kill them now if need be) and looking like a fool.

I hear: voices. Not quite but I do talk to myself in my head :)

I wonder: what life has in store for me. It isn't that I am sitting around waiting for things to happen but there are days where I wish I could catch a glimpse of what is to come.

I regret: not doing things/saying things because I was worried about embarrassing myself. I'm getting better at this.

I am not: as tough, cold hearted and hard to understand as I can appear.

I dance: with my friends kids. I miss going to the clubs of yore. Sigh.

I sing: along to the radio and CD's and try really hard to not sing at concerts!

I cry: more than I used to. It was disconcerting at first but I am slighty more comfortable with my emotions...when on my own.

I am not always: kind to myself. If you want to know the bad things about me I could write pages. If you want to know the good I'd really struggle with that.

I make ____ with my hands: tasty baked goods.

I write: less than I used to. I need to reconnect with my journal.

I confuse: myself and others. Maybe it is less about confusion and more about surprise, a 'who knew?!?' sort of thing.

I need: my friends. To laugh with. To cry with. To be quiet with. To eat with. To live life with.

I should: not use 'should' in my vocabulary. I don't want to feel obliged to certain things. I want to commit to things and people because I want to.

I start: by questioning everything I do.

I finish: by choosing a path and committing to it until proven wrong.

Guy is coming here.
At the beginning of the summer.
I get him for 6 days.

Breathe, just breathe.

The pieces are falling into place.


I'll soon have an arrival date.

eep

My father sent me this!




The first sign you might be gay...

Thanks to Serendipity for todays blog post topic.

If you want to play, the game is:

Make a comment saying so and I'll give you a letter. You then have to think of 10 words that start with that letter and they must mean something in particular to you and your life.

My letter is "C" .

Cayuga- Fond memories related to this include; sand, wind, teak, canvas,orcas, exploring, naps, gentle rocking, heeling, racing, lazy days, summer nights...

Candy/Chocolate- I have a really bad sweet tooth. The only difference as an adult as I have a more discerning palate and would rather pay more for better quality. Either that or go to the UK.

Camping- My family did a lot of camping when I grew up and I continue it still. I so like being 'tough'; setting up the tent, chopping wood, getting the fire going, tromping through the trails, being grubby, doing what you want when you want. And the smell of the fire that clings to everything? Yum.

Cats- If I could have a pet where I live I'd have cat. I love their independence, their silky fur, the sound of their purring, their satisfied sleepy face and, especially, their 'cattitude'. Everything is on their terms.

Cinema- Going to the movies is a great escape. I get my (so bad for you) popcorn and drink, sit in the last row and lose myself (if it is good enough) for 2 hours. I've learned to thoroughly enjoy going on my own without anyone to bother me with questions or comments. I can even laugh out loud now :)

Connolly, Billy- I cry with laughter watching his DVD 'Live: The Greatest Hits' every single time. Or in 'An Everlasting Piece': "The scrotum is the devil's tobacco pouch."

Canada- I live here and I love it. I've visited all the provinces and it's a fantastic country.

(The) Chieftains- Something about their music touches something in me. Even though they seem to appeal to an older age group I've seen them in concert twice and was in awe.

C******- One of my real names. (so all you get is the letter)

and lastly,

Calls-Especially ones from New Guy!


If you want to play then leave me a comment asking for a letter and I'll give you a letter.

I have another meme thing to do, from Serendipity, but geez there is no time!

Night.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

But It's Tuesday!?!

This may be as close to musical Monday's as I ever get (even though I enjoy the listening).



Found in blogland....
Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Press forward for each question and then use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING. (Well, try not to).

How does the world see you?
'It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp' DJayz
(Geez, I hope not)

Will I have a happy life?
'Takk' Sigur Ros
(It's foreign. I don't understand it. Is that a good or bad sign?!?)

What do my friends really think of me?
'Raindrop' Reindeer Section
(Does that make me Debbie Downer??)

Do people secretly lust after me?
'Only You' David Crowder Band
(I wish!)

How can I make myself happy?
'Nearly Lost You' Screaming Trees (Hmmm)
2nd go- 'Don't Give Up' Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush
(Sounds much more like me)

What should I do with my life?
'I'm Going Hungry' Temple of the Dog
(Constant diet??)

Will I ever have children?
'Armageddon It' Def Leppard
(Ha ha ha ha!! I'll take that as a resounding NO.)

What is some good advice for me?
'Shake Ya Ass' Mystikal
(nice!)

How will I be remembered?
'How Soon is Now' The Smiths

What is my signature dancing song?
'Cowgirl Techno' Underworld
(It is danceable...)

What do I think my current theme song is?
'Secret Heart' Feist
(Secret internet/blog hooking up anyway...so yes, secret.)

What song will play at my funeral?
'Virtual Insanity' Jamiroquai
(I'd like my funeral to have more of a party atmoshere so...)


What type of men/women do you like?
'Words' Doves
(I guess one that speaks or writes!)

What is my day going to be like?
'Tourist' Athlete
(I wish! Though I will be talking to new guy later on. Maybe that will be a trip. Oh, I as I edited the post the next song came on....'Heaven is an Orgasm' by the Lords of Acid- heh)

If you want to play feel free. Leave me a comment and let me know :)

Driving down the road I could see the weather coming towards me. The blur in the air signaled rain and it came, sheeting down. It quickly turned to thick sloppy blobs and then into splattering hail. I could barely see the road due to how fast it was coming down and how much was already on the pavement. Then a flash followed by a large crack of thunder. Again. And Again.

I love storms.

Hearing someone whisper in your ear "I want you" is a rather heady thing.

Between the no sex talk with the new guy and some friends taking me to task for the ambivalence thing I have 'felt' a shift. It is a shift to the good. A touch of the positive has entered once again.


With new guy this shift seems to have unleased me a bit more. I take things further now. I take the lead at times. I have a touch of braveness and boldness that I have not had. (still no cyber sex ;) ) I think I have a better sense of comfort in knowing he know's what I am about. I have surprised myself more than once and at times it has put a cheeky grin on my face.

He is also consistent in the things he says to me when we talk about whatever stuff. New guy is very complimentary and calls me on it if I get stupid. For example, he'll tell me that he thinks I'm pretty, while we are on the phone, and I tend to deny or go silent. He says "J, you are supposed to say thank you. Let's try again". I am getting better. My other favourite is when new guy tells me that he cannot figure me out and that I keep him guessing. Love that.

As far as work and church things haven't changed but I am trying to be more positive...be the change you want to see ...

I'll always read. I can't help it. I love books and magazines and papers. It feeds the thinker in me. I over-think for sure but it's a big part of who I am. I am trying to change the negative thoughts though.

And the friends. They are good to me. There is a group I hang out with a lot and we stand with each other and call each other on our crap. We also laugh an insane amount. I've known them between 5-17 years so we have definitely be through ups and downs with each other. It hasn't always been easy but it has been worth it. They've taken my mopey throughout December and January and dealt with my ambivalence the past two months and decided enough was enough. We were celebrating an event and they pretty much had a mild intervention. They told me some truth's about myself and gave me somewhat of a stern talking to. There were tears and laughter all around.

Enjoy Some Chocolate...

New guy and I had a conflict over a mutual friend. It turned out that they'd spent some time together in a more than friendly way. My thought was that it was while she was broken up with her boyfriend. It wasn't.

I don't know all the in's and out's of the story, though I have reserved the right to question him more on it at a later date, but he began pursuing her while she and her boyfriend were living together (actually they still are).

He believed he'd mentioned this information to me before and as he had not he offered me anything I wanted to know, just ask. I had a few questions but I have not asked all that I am wondering about. I think that will come but I just need to step back and ponder for a bit.

I've seen the effects of cheating in other friends live's. It is ugly and messy. My thinking is people need to take responsibilty for their unhappiness and deal with it head on and not cop out by cheating. As well, when I know someone is taken, I cannot and will not go there. I will not be the relationship breaker. I couldn't live with that. New guy said he'd thought the same up until this point.

I have never been in that position. I have never experienced that. I sound somewhat judgemental in my own head. Maybe I have a very sheltered and hopeful outlook? Maybe I am naive?

I'll have more questions.

So.....new guy.

We had the sex talk, on the phone, on the weekend. He knows there will not be any. We may goof around in chats (there is also no cyber sex) but he knows that I will not be going any farther in real life either.



I've been having a lot of long, hard thinks about this whole no sex thing. I so don't want to be ancient and still have not had it. I had to work through why I was not going to just sleep with the new guy. There had to be a reason other than I should wait until I get married (church/God). Right now that reason, God, is such a nebulous feeling/thought while I am in the midst of my ambivalence.

What did I come up with? I really know now that I am not willing to just be just another girl, another notch. I deserve more than that. I am worth more than that. I am worth commiting to. Those are quite the conclusions for me.

It is odd to have found a stronger sense of self worth. I hope it begins to play out in more areas of my life.

He also knows the virgin factor. We have discussed it at length previous to this talk. He says that he does not think I am a freak.

In an Email

An introduction to the seductive art of French Kissing.

Difficulty: Easy
Time Required: N/A


Here's How:
1. Set the scene. Make sure that the mood and time are right.
2. Relax! Take a deep breath and let go of any tension in your neck and shoulders.
3. Put your arms around the person you want to kiss.
4. Start off with a normal kiss, not too firm, not too aggressive. Closing your eyes is optional.
5. In mid kiss, gently open your mouth and softly nudge the other persons mouth open using your tongue.
6. Again, not too aggressively, move your tongue inside the other persons mouth and playfully touch their tounge.
7. Read the other persons body language, if they seem tense or start to pull away, stop what you are doing.
8. If they open their mouth more or otherwise indicate they like the kiss, keep on doing what you have been only with a little more passion.
9. As the kissing gets going saliva build up can be a problem, don't forget to swallow.
10. Make sure you keep your tongues relaxed but your lips tight (saliva again), you don't want the kiss to turn messy.




Tips:

• Don't forget to breathe.
• Since French Kissing is "wetter" than other kinds of kissing it is a good idea to start with dry lips, don't lick them first.
• If one of you have braces you can still French Kiss, you just have to be more careful and not as forceful when things get passionate.
• If both of you wear braces you can still French Kiss, you just have to be very gentle and avoid touching teeth.
• French Kissing takes practice, but at least it is fun to practice this one!