I wish I knew the answer to that.

Why do I exist?
Who am I?
Why am I here.

I seem unable to get past these questions. It like I draw a big blank and cannot find the point.

What is the point?

What if the life I am living is the point? What if how I live in it is why I am here? Shouldn't I be able to find a certain contentment with where I am and who I am?

I'm just so sick of it all.
"All".
Maybe that's too broad of a term yet I am having a hard time defining things right now. I am fuzzy in my head. And so very tired.

Or is it all just down to the fact that the THING is missing?

So I think I drove him away with my non committal ambivalence.

I have been dissecting all of this, of course, and what I have been able to come up with is he's just too good. I don't mean that he's too good for me but that I don't think my sarcasm and dirty humour would mix well with him. I make him laugh with just my regular humour but so far he doesn't make me laugh. I need to laugh or I will be too dark.

He is kind, generous, courteous, there for his family, interesting and all manner of things that are attractive. Other than being very slim he is physically attractive too.

It's fairly rare that someone shows interest in my direction and here I am saying no.
Bugger.



On a more positive note...I have visible collar bones.

sigh. shit. damn.

i can't sleep and i feel this incessant need to talk but it's so late and no one will be up so i am just typing and seeing where it will go.

i know why is one of the worst questions but it sure is the easiest to ask.

why have i gone for so many years without more than a casual glance of interest from the boys and desperately wanting it to now getting minimal interest and not being excited by it? i feel so stupid when it comes to this stuff. i don't know how to do this stuff. it makes me feel inept and very young but not in a good way.

he is so thin. he is a veggie. he is a different religion. he is so positive. he is keen. he believes in himself.

i am not thin (need to lose weight). i am not a veggie (though i don't eat beef or pork). i am a different religion. i tend towards negative/realistic. i am not keen. i don't believe in myself (very little anyway).

i get scared that i want it all too bad but then i get scared that i don't want it at all but am going through the motions because shouldn't everyone want it?

or am i too picky?
and when does giving up some of the things you'd like/hoped for become settling?

i wish i could get my shit together.
in all areas.
but apparently i am a chicken and i let fear rule me.
and so it goes.
gah.

damn it all to hell anyway.

I was interviewed by the Dirty.Filthy.Princess here.

Scattered and Lost

I've been doing some spring? summer? fall? (who knows!) serious cleaning. I am being much tougher than I have been in the past and getting rid of a lot of stuff including clothing and shoes.

I like stuff. I like things that hold stuff. I have trunks, plastic containers, boxes and other storage thingamajig's and have to go through those as well as get rid of some of them. I am also a little sentimental and so have been rereading letters and weeding through those, getting rid of some inherited stuff that really will never see the light of day and recycling things like mad.

In this purge I have gone through a trunk that contained hopes. I would not describe myself a a hopeful person now but it turns out that I once was. In this trunk I had things that I was going to have in my first house, when I had a real house, with my future husband. I have been keeping these things for a long, long time and now I have to get rid of them. They are crushing my soul.

They remind me of things never had and things I don't have any hope left for. I need to prepare for less room as I get older and therefore I should have less stuff. People will tell me not to give up but I am tired of looking for the positive, the possibility, the hope. It hurts.

i am lonely

I need to make room for all the cats I will have to have to at least have people notice me.

You can only guess what my initial reaction was to this.
Now I kind of like it.
Surprising and not...as I like a little dark.

You are Death

Change, Transformation, Alteration.

People fear this card, but if you want to change your life, this is one of the
best indicators for it. Whatever happens, life will be different. Yes, the Death card can signal a death in the right circumstances (a question about a very sick or old relative, for example), but unlike its dramatic presentation in the movies, the Death card is far more likely to signal transformation, passage, change. Scorpio, the sign of this card, has three forms: scorpion, serpent, eagle. The Death card indicates this transition from lower to higher to highest. This is a card of humility, and it may mean you have been brought low, but only so that you can then go higher than ever before. Death "humbles" all, but it also "exults." Always keep in mind that on this card of darkness there is featured a sunrise as well. You could be ready for a change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Shit.

I came face to face with my own nothingness

Oh the Questions...(it's a long one)

*Life's been giving me a few kicks in the teeth and therefore I have been slow in answering my questions...

That and I am over thinking.


I delurked over at Desmond's Place so that I could participate in an interview question game. I've read there for a bit and thought that his questions would be beyond fluff and I was right. Yikes!

*(The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! Then you update your blog with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five questions.)


1. What is your religious/spiritual background, and how does that affect where you find yourself today?

As a child we were holiday/twice a year church goers though I often attended Sunday school as the parents liked the idea of sending us off so they could sleep (hangovers? sex? who knows). We were taught there was a God. We started attending church as a family when I was entering the troubled teens so that we could have a good grounding. My parents need not have worried as none of us did drugs, got drunk, had sex or committed any crimes. We were good in school and had good friends. I attended youth group with school friends and by the time I left school I found a church that I felt I fit with and attended there until recently.

It was (is?) a charismatic church and it is the place I really discovered God. I learned so much, made good friends and dug in. I was very committed and involved. For a variety of reasons it all went to pot and I left after 8 months of questioning leadership and a variety of other people whose words and actions continuously did not match. It was very hard especially since I lost people that I thought were friends.

As to the sex...My mom always said wait for marriage and, until recently, I thought she had (that was what she told me when I was growing up). Personally God didn't factor in as much to my decision as I was/am most afraid of getting pregnant. I do not have that baby yearning. The idea of being a mom makes me want to throw up. I believe some of this may be due to not being a birth child of my parents. Oh yes, this adds a whole other dynamic :)

I have fond memories of Sunday school and I am certain that that is where I got hooked by God. As miffed as I may be at this point in life I know He's there for me (and all that other good stuff that I cannot wrap my head around right now); full stop.

2. What do you think brought you to the 'strained' relationship you say you have with God these days?

I know there is no promise of an easy life but I do wonder why, specifically, I have this longing for a mate/companion/lover/husband etc. and there has not been much in my life that would lead me to think that there is someone out there for me ( I have other things I wonder about as well but this is the boy blog so...). I have days where it feels like life is a very cruel joke when it comes to the guy thing. At the same time I know in my knower that God is real and that all the qualities/characteristics he possesses are true. The unknown and not being able to control things can be hard for me to find peace with.

My life is not horrible. This blog focuses on the guy/sex thing and can be rather dark and depressing. I have a job, friends, a place to live, I travel, I take classes, I try new things every so often, my family is near and we get along, I enjoy music, good food, movies, reading, learning etc. etc. etc. I see that my life is good. And yet.... My needs are taken care of. I have a good life. And yet...there must be more...

I am not attending church at the moment and it is a very strange thing to not be involved. If I do go I find I am having panic attacks while there and it is all I can do to not jump up and run out. I believe it is a people thing right now. It feels fake and religious and put on. How judgemental am I??? We all have our shit to deal with and we, mostly, seem to want acceptance by those around us and sometimes it all gets to fluffy and superficial. We'll never make everyone happy and, I think, maybe it feels like the churches are trying too hard to make everyone happy.

It is something I am trying to figure out but at the same time I know the reality of God. It is weird. I miss what was but would not go back if it meant laying down and playing stupid.

Maybe I am not chasing after God hard enough? Maybe I am just getting in my own way? Maybe this is the plan for my life and I just better get over myself. Questions, always the questions and the answers are few and far between. I am mostly irritated by the fact that I still believe. I find it annoying. Yes I am slightly nuts.

3. What do you think 'love' really is?

Oh geez....

I keep thinking about this question as I go about my days. I've never come up with a definition that satisfied me and I suppose it is because love is about tangibles and intangibles. It cannot be packaged up neatly or made into a check list. Obviously there is Corinthians 13. Then it's things I see when watching friends in their relationships: picking up a scoop of a favorite ice cream because they were thinking of the other, the slight ruffle of the hair as they wander by the other, the comfort in silence, the laughter, the compromises, both being 100% invested in their relationship, the arguments that get worked through etc. etc. etc.

I over think love way too much and therefore complicate it beyond measure. I can't remember the last time I told someone I love them and that saddens me. I want to mean it when I say it but then start thinking about how I would define it and is that really love or is it something different or.....it goes round and round.

Maybe I have no clue. Maybe that is just another reason to add to the list of why there is no guy. Maybe I love more than I know. Sigh.

My favourite love is the kid version:

"J, I love you".
"How do you know?"
"Cuz. You are fun and funny and you snuggle me."
Simple.

4. I really admire what you said once about 'saving yourself for marriage' - "I'm worth more than that"; do you still feel that way? Do you have regrets about still being a virgin (assuming you are)?

When I step away from my emotions I do still feel that I am worth more than a quick lay. That being said, dear Lord in heaven, I want to have sex. But I want the relationship just as much...99.9% of the time. I am still a virgin but at least I've been (quite) felt up now and I have no regrets about that. Being in my thirties and still being a virgin makes me feel awkward. I don't feel awkward all the time and I can more than carry my own when it comes to conversations about sex (maybe that's why so many people have assumed I getting it).

It's a rather big elephant to carry around and to have to explain/ think about explaining. I haven't really dated much at all and the older I get the weirder it all seems; it is verging on surreal. I hadn't had a proper kiss in, holy hell, 19 years (no wonder I think something is wrong with me) and had never had anyone touch me in any sort of sexual way previous to PJ.

I am entering the slippery slope of age and if I cannot find someone when I am supposedly youthful and averagely attractive how will I find anyone the longer I am on my own. The platitudes of "you are never too old" or "he's out there" are really making me weary especially as they are said by the attached. I am rather tired of it all. And moving toward the land or wrinkles.

So regrets? Yes and no. Yes just for the purely physical. No because it means I haven't settled. Settling is becoming more tempting though. What if I have to be the crazy cat lady?

ps. I don't expect firework that first time out but with lots of practice things should improve :)

5. What happened with PJ? (feel free to disregard this if it pokes you too painfully)

We were good through January which put us at a year. Opportunity for communication was short due to work but we still managed and money was being set aside for a visit. In February things got quieter and I had some moments that caused a few emails I wished I could take back. Nothing outrageous but I pushed. I felt that we'd worked it out and got back on the same page but now I do not know. I recently sent off a long, rational email and am still waiting for a response. We'd always said that if things changed for either of us that we would let the other know yet I wonder if he is disregarding that. I'll wait on it a bit. If I hear nothing, well, it will be time to clean out my head and move on.

Wow. The above makes me sound so calm and realistic about PJ. I am not. I am such a girl and never would have thought it possible of myself. I hurt all over and want to assume the fetal position. I've cried more in the last year than I ever thought I would. I've lost my appetite, this past week, which has only happened before when I've been deathly ill. I hate feeling these feelings. Feeling hurt.

Then again I've learned more about myself and some of my values because he would challenge me on my thinking. He would ask me why and I would have to consider. He made me feel like I am an attractive person. Because of him I know for sure that I have some sort of libido (heh). He helped me really realize that I have a sense of worth because I had to put it into words. Oh, and he kissed me. Rather well I might add.

So, no matter what, I won't find much to regret when it comes to PJ even if things are done. (I suspect more tears will fall though)

Apparently one can not ingest food for 3 days and still jog for 30 minutes (not fast). 2 days later one can still do it but much slower and with more walking.

I want to get away!

fuck
fuck
fuck

I've pulled something and have added an awkward shuffle to the oh so happy mix.

Apparently I look really good when I wander in the darkness. I keep getting compliments and end up standing there with a rather stupid look on my face as my brain yells things like "Are you blind?", "You can't be serious" or "What the hell?". Maybe I am suited to the dark. I should have been a poet since I carry the trouble brow so well.

Then again maybe they, those of the compliments, are picking up 'something' and sense that I need something nice said to me. I don't know.

I just wish I could believe them.

post secret

Lovely.
I have moved onto numb.
That and being exhausted when I spend time with friends.
I have less to compare myself to when I am alone. I have less to miss when I am alone. I can insulate myself some from my wants when I am alone. No one will dream for me when I am alone and I can avoid hope. Hope sucks when nothing comes to pass.

This sure isn't going to help me meet people/guys. Maybe I don't want that as much as I though I did. Besides who wants a mess in their lives?

The only reason I needed to see 300.
*drool*

I Live Like a Hermit in My Own Head

When things aren't going well, when you are unhappy, when you are lonely, when you are sad, when life is making you crazy, when work sucks....

When life has you down.


That's when people say "Change it".

In this darkened state I can only function, go through the necessary motions of life, a day or two at the time. I don't even see any place to begin a change.

"You need to get out there". I take classes: all women or, if there are men, they are married. I'd like more single friends but the people who seem drawn to me are the marrieds and especially the married with children. I look younger than I am but none the less I am in my mid thirties and as I remember that was pretty ancient to me as a young 20 year old. I go to shows, I've traveled, I wander, I walk and 99% of the time I spend the day or evening in silence. I am quiet and semi introverted by nature. I try but it is hard.

"Do things that make you happy". Somehow I don't think lying in bed all day qualifies and really that isn't making me happy. It helps me survive. I do the things that used to bring me pleasure but they all seem dull right now. Blah.

"Get a different job". Looking back I think I made some not so great decisions in regards to schooling and work but at the same time I don't know whether I feel that way because I didn't do the right thing as far as parents/friends/the world are concerned or if that is truly how I feel. I am so jealous of those that knew what they wanted to do with their lives and where they want to go with life.
I do not know. I don't know that I have even known. I'm not sure if this is reality or fear though. Do I not know? Or am I too scared to admit what I want?

My life isn't awful. I have great friends. I have a job with decent pay. I am clothed, fed and have a place to lay my head. There are good times. There are great moments.

Yet I feel like I m being crushed and I don't understand it. I have all this swirling in y head and am even having a hard time writing it never mind trying to talk to someone. I don't want to burden them. So then I spend more time alone.

Oh the vicious sort of circle it is.

I am all weird and divided in myself these past couple of months. I feel that I present a fairly cheery and positive face out and about with people yet in my head it is all I can do to leave the house. I do it because it is the right thing to do. I do it because I know that reality says this is just a phase. I do it because I fear being completely lost in my head. What I want is to crawl into bed and come out in a year or five.

I find myself drowning in my thoughts.
I am overwhelmed by my fears in regards to relationships. (there are other things coming into play but....this is the whiny guy blog! heh)
I am retreating.
I am wallowing.
I am hiding.
I am weeping.

I am searching for that thing that will numb me and yet nothing does.
I wish, kind of, that alcohol had a greater affect on me.
Maybe it will increase with age.

I want to hide away, just burrow in my blankets, and not come out until I die.
Yes I can be morbid.
It is a safety mechanism.

It is the only way to not tear myself completely apart.

My head is so full and I can't get it out.

You need to be more independent.

You are too independent.

I can't seem to win.

I get so confused by people going silent. Are we not adults? Can we not just say what needs to be said? I know it is hard to hurt people by telling them they are not who you want but this silence is almost worse. In it I hear 'You aren't even worthy of my words anymore'.

I think my benefit of the doubt has one shard left; it's mostly shattered and scattered. I want to rage. I want to find anger. I want to be mad.

Instead I feel worthless. Instead I feel hope slipping away. Instead I feel worn out.