This is my second haloscan problem. Ugh.
The last time it outed me and my other blog to a friend by posting my info on his blog...
which I never read.
Most perturbing.

This time it outed me to another blogger that I've met but who I'd rather didn't know the tidbits of info I write about here.
Pain in the ass.

I feel somewhat relationship/sex obssessed these days and I can't decide if it is due to a) writing at this place b) the people I spend the majority of my time with or c) my age.

I'm entering the supposed peak ages for women.
Some days I feel I could chew my arm off.

When I read over the little 'test' thing below I think 'Hmm, yes that could really be me' (other than articulate...that I can have problems with due to the thinking) and yet I have not been in love to really know how I'd do. All the things listed? Those are things I try to do in all relationships. I aim to put my brain before my emotions yet this seems to be changing a lot over the past year. And emotions? They are hard for me. They seem so out of control.

I spent my time in the shower crying today. I turned the water on, got in and then was sobbing like a big, big baby. It was unexpected and it startled me. My shower was extra long as I couldn't stop the tears. Geez.

Control.

You Are Left Brained In Love

Cool and clearheaded Tend not to get swept away Dependable and trustworthy Able to look at thing objectively Honest and direct in relationships Rely on standards when picking a man Good at solving relationship problems Ready to compete for your sweetie's heart Articulate, a good conversationalist, and witty Think overly romantic displays are a waste of time A few serious boyfriends as opposed to many flings Notice all of the details about your guy - good and bad

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

Comments I've had this Week

You look different. Did you meet someone? said by a co-worker when I got back to work (I hadn't seen them since being with the guy).

I told them no (yes I outright lied), as I do not share a lot with my co-workers, while at the same time thinking 'but they say you can't tell by looking at a person?!?' We didn't have the full sex but... fun was had.
I guess I appear better on the outside than I feel on the inside.

I'm concerned about you. said by a friend. When I questioned her as to what she meant she said she was worried I might do myself in.

She caught me off guard with this. I did not realize that I can come off quite so dark to others (even though it can be very dark in my head). I cannot imagine ever going there. I may hide away and talk very negatively but as far as killing myself? No way. If that was me, if that was who I am, I'd have done that in high school. Those were such dark days, the days I felt like nothing was good, but (and I see this as a good thing) I felt too guilty about how devastated the people left behind would be.
This too makes me wonder about this idea: 'I wonder if I will ever be one of the happy people? Or am I too realistic for that?'
But this has given me things to ponder for sure.

You are being so mature about this. said by a friend when we were talking about the guy and how things are going with him.

I have my freak in the head moments but having a brain that (mainly) works on logic I really do not see the point of being an emotional basket case with the general public! I save that for here and when I am by myself.
The thing with the guy? We've talked. We are leaving things open for now. He needs to figure out work and then a different living situation (he is at loose ends after moving countries and all). We live on different continents. Geez, I can pick 'em.
I see the truth of all of this and really belive it is not a line and so all I can do is trust. Do I want more? Yes. But it's only been a month. My feelings may change but for now I still want more with him. More, more, more : )

I think of you when I touch myself. said by the guy.

Well...no one has ever said that to me before. I am in two minds about this. It makes me feel odd and good all at the same time.

First step:

I am quitting one of my jobs by the end of this month. I do not look forward to the drama of it as I am quite certain it will put numerous people noses out of joint.


It will stressful but it is necessary.
I cannot put up with the 'shennigans' anymore.

I'm back.
So, you'd think a vacation would be refreshing (other people's seem to be).


Mine?
Well my brain decided to work overtime and I did a lot of thinking about work, friends, family etc. Unfortunately it included some rehashing of the past in the form of would have, should have, could have and in the end that thinking doesn't get me anywhere...other than crazy.

I need to change...something.
I need to figure out what that something is.

I want some satisfaction yet I do not seem to find it in anything.
I have noticed how many of the things that I do are because I should and not necessarily because I want to . It is that they are the right thing to do (and in the long run some of them have to be done for now...bills and such).

I wonder if I will ever be one of the happy people? Or am I too realistic for that? Life holds no promise except that we all eventually die in the end.

I'm just a regular bucket of cheer.

Still Away...