fuck
fuck
fuck

I've pulled something and have added an awkward shuffle to the oh so happy mix.

Apparently I look really good when I wander in the darkness. I keep getting compliments and end up standing there with a rather stupid look on my face as my brain yells things like "Are you blind?", "You can't be serious" or "What the hell?". Maybe I am suited to the dark. I should have been a poet since I carry the trouble brow so well.

Then again maybe they, those of the compliments, are picking up 'something' and sense that I need something nice said to me. I don't know.

I just wish I could believe them.

post secret

Lovely.
I have moved onto numb.
That and being exhausted when I spend time with friends.
I have less to compare myself to when I am alone. I have less to miss when I am alone. I can insulate myself some from my wants when I am alone. No one will dream for me when I am alone and I can avoid hope. Hope sucks when nothing comes to pass.

This sure isn't going to help me meet people/guys. Maybe I don't want that as much as I though I did. Besides who wants a mess in their lives?

The only reason I needed to see 300.
*drool*

I Live Like a Hermit in My Own Head

When things aren't going well, when you are unhappy, when you are lonely, when you are sad, when life is making you crazy, when work sucks....

When life has you down.


That's when people say "Change it".

In this darkened state I can only function, go through the necessary motions of life, a day or two at the time. I don't even see any place to begin a change.

"You need to get out there". I take classes: all women or, if there are men, they are married. I'd like more single friends but the people who seem drawn to me are the marrieds and especially the married with children. I look younger than I am but none the less I am in my mid thirties and as I remember that was pretty ancient to me as a young 20 year old. I go to shows, I've traveled, I wander, I walk and 99% of the time I spend the day or evening in silence. I am quiet and semi introverted by nature. I try but it is hard.

"Do things that make you happy". Somehow I don't think lying in bed all day qualifies and really that isn't making me happy. It helps me survive. I do the things that used to bring me pleasure but they all seem dull right now. Blah.

"Get a different job". Looking back I think I made some not so great decisions in regards to schooling and work but at the same time I don't know whether I feel that way because I didn't do the right thing as far as parents/friends/the world are concerned or if that is truly how I feel. I am so jealous of those that knew what they wanted to do with their lives and where they want to go with life.
I do not know. I don't know that I have even known. I'm not sure if this is reality or fear though. Do I not know? Or am I too scared to admit what I want?

My life isn't awful. I have great friends. I have a job with decent pay. I am clothed, fed and have a place to lay my head. There are good times. There are great moments.

Yet I feel like I m being crushed and I don't understand it. I have all this swirling in y head and am even having a hard time writing it never mind trying to talk to someone. I don't want to burden them. So then I spend more time alone.

Oh the vicious sort of circle it is.

I am all weird and divided in myself these past couple of months. I feel that I present a fairly cheery and positive face out and about with people yet in my head it is all I can do to leave the house. I do it because it is the right thing to do. I do it because I know that reality says this is just a phase. I do it because I fear being completely lost in my head. What I want is to crawl into bed and come out in a year or five.