dirty girl

I guess I have an inner slut. I suppose it then means I have one that can be on the outside too. I've never met her before. I'm surprised and a little in awe of her (makes me more well rounded I guess).

Oh dear Lord.

It appears that I am good on paper or at least on this here blog forum/world. If it can be believed I now have another of the male persuasion emailing me.

Oh dear Lord. What the hell.

If I heard someone saying this or saw someone writing this I’d probably roll my eyes and think ‘Ya, right. You are so putting out the signals.’ I swear, on the bible if need be, that I am not.

At my other place I write about innocuous daily life and funny web finds. It is surprising to me what people find interesting and humourous in regards to others. I am the same way as far as the sites I read. Something just grabs me even if it is just about someone else’s innocuous daily life.

This new emailer, and to be truthful now IMer, doesn’t even read my blog. He started emailing due to the comments I leave on his blog. I swear they are just plain jane types of comments, other than I can be sarcastic and dry humoured with a touch of naughty (but generally the naughty is just on certain sites), and things I’d say to most anyone.

This is freaking me out this being good on paper. Am I creating a completely fictional persona? Am I really that different? Or am I actually interesting? Or is this me here, the person bottled up in my daily life trying desperately to get out somehow.

I need to figure out how to make good on paper just good in life/ good in general.

I liked This.

"In the wide world out there everyone is someone's cup of tea."

figleaf

who am i?

where am i?

why do i feel this way?

Over the past month people (friends, family and acquaintances) keep telling me how pretty I look, how nice I look , how good I look.

What the hell???

When I look in the mirror I wonder who that is looking back at me. To me I look pale, drawn and stressed coupled with the fact that I almost find myself unrecognizable. It is very strange.

One of my friends in the know figures it's due to the fact I went through a massive personal shift in "giving myself to love" and that vunerability is attractive. I don't know about that.

I feel more like a needy twit.

Um, Eww.

Why oh why would you want to record your own voice? Ick.


(link)
Unless you are an audibly narcissistic.

I blubbed like a big baby. Every single time I watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition I sit and sob in my chair (a little like some guy across the pond). On tonights show the family got their makeover due to one of the daughters determined persistence. They were passed over on their initial application and she didn't like that . She, an eleven year old, contacted a variety of people who have been on the show or a part of it and it worked out that they got their makeover.

They were beyond excited, of course, and everyone was so impressed with this girls tenacity.

Off to wash the tears off.

Everybody Else Has Had More.....

click image

Found at the Virgin's

My Friends are (mostly) Fooled

They think I am going through a semi typical winter funk that is slightly worse than normal. I do not have a huge fondness for December. As well I usually have a hard time coming home from my vacations. They think, partially due to the fact that I confirm this when they ask, that the two combined have mad for a sad/mad girl.

I kind of think they'd all fall over dead if they knew the truth. What I did is so against what a lot of them think of as my character.

When I began this mad journey I mentioned to one friend that thought I had a crush and how silly was that. When the boy said he wanted to meet me I had a minor panic and made some phone calls. Of the 3 people I tried one was at home and had time for me to come over. So another person knew my secret.


But that was it. Two friends were in on my teenager-ness and my happy crazies. I am not a big secret sharer as I have been burned a number of times in the past. Now people need to prove to me that they can be trusted with small things before I can move up to something more delicate in nature. These two have proven themselves and I had to let someone know; what if the boy was a psycho and I just 'disappeared' during my travels?

Oh it was such a good secret to have. It was fun to be around people and think 'If only you knew' and smile a secret smile. It was fun to be developing 'something'.

Looking back I was definitely in self preservation mode. What if it all went pear shaped (as it did)? How would I deal with all the questions?

Instead I've kept it mostly to myself. Instead I've been a hermit. Instead I've been freaking out my friends. I hear in round about ways that a number of them are in discussions about me but so far only one has truly approached me. She gave me a call a couple of weeks ago and did a little prodding and probing, got me crying and then left it in my court; "I am here if and when you need to talk".

We had dinner the other night.

How to make a j

Ingredients: 5 parts friendliness 5 parts courage 1 part ego

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lovability

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

"Sleep is pain's easiest salve."

-- John Donne, "The Storm"

I am wiped out; not a good way to begin the year or month or anytime really. I have been averaging 2 1/2 -4 1/2 hours of sleep for the last 4 months and it is doing my head in. I manage to do everything I need to do but run out of steam for the things I want to do. I've had trouble getting to sleep since I can remember ( from elementary school) but now I can't seem to stay asleep.

At first I thought it was due to the 'fun in the Fall'. Then, when that went awry, I thought it was due to the stress etc. of that. Now I wonder if it is something more? Maybe I am reaching old age sleep patterns at a young age.

It is probably a combination of all of those things with a dose of the rest of life thrown in as well. I just wonder how long I can go on like this? Or if I have just gone through a complete revamp of my pattern and need to get used to the new one? I just hope it doesn't lead to a crack up!

i dreamt of you

i'd read in the paper you were presenting a concert here
then i ran into you at some gathering/work thing
we were a little awkward
then i teased you about the concert
you didn't know what i was talking about
i said you were lying and laughed and said you must be working with the CIA
we small talked a little more then i said sorry for my quiet
i explained that it was also a part of me
you said the same for you and that you weren't sure why it had been that way
the tension left and we talked and laughed
then another girl showed up and said the pentagon wanted you to be there at x time
i was all 'ah ha'
you were found out
it was easy
we were comfortable
it was as it should have been

i awoke and cried.

A Happier New Year?

A new year needed a new space. I got too dark and felt trapped over at the other place. I need to be a little less singularly focused.

What really inspired me though was imogen Heap's 'Headlock' off of her new album 'Speak for Yourself'.

I bought the CD in mid December and haven't stopped listening to it yet. 'Headlock' caught me as it gave me words and created an image of what the last three months have done in me. Unbeknownst to me (though I maybe shouldn't be surprised) my heart has been trapped by my head for a very long time. Now my heart has taken on a life of its own. I feel like I'm on sensory overload and numb, all at once. I guess it was time to wake up (it only took 30+ years!!)

I like the idea of *love* in all its fluffy, theoretical splendor but have always had a ridiculously hard time really grasping what *love* really meant. I've never been satisfied with the definitions or explanations I've been given as they did not always make sense; they lacked something tangible. In my head I knew, very rationally and logically, that the concept of *love* was not a exactly a tangible but was something that you 'know in your knower'. It's bigger than that obviously and comes with all kinds of baggage (I can't find a better word right now even though this one has such a negative connotation) but it's really one of those things that just has to be believed.

I don't think I was 'in love' last fall but I'd never had felt the things I was feeling then. Actually what I am still feeling now is new as well. I'd mentioned ages ago that I felt like a crazy, giddy sort of teenager when all was going good. Now I feel I am a crazy, neurotic teen when all has gone pear shaped. I guess I am playing catch up with things most people did years ago.

I am not a big resolution kind of girl; why put off 'til a new year what one can begin today? This year, since it oh so convieniently works that its the new year now, I have a resolution.

I resolve to stay open to the possibility of *love*. I will not put my walls back up. I will work very hard to keep them down as far as they got through the fall and will also work at taking them down further.

Distant flickering it's greener scenery
This weather's bringing it all back again
Great adventures, faces and condensation
I'm going outside to take it all in

You say too late to start got your heart in a headlock
I don't believe any of it
You say too late to start, got your heart in a headlock
You know you're better than this

Wear a different pair do something out of step
Throw a stranger an unexpected smile
with big intention
Still posted at your station
Always on about the day it should have flied

You say too late to start got your heart in a headlock
I don't believe any of it
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock
You know you're better than this

(How can you lose?)
Afraid to start got your heart in a headlock
No I don't believe any of it
You say too late to start got you heart in a headlock
You know you're better than this

You'e been working  you've been hiding
And you look half dead half the time
Monitoring you like machines do
You've still got it I'm just keeping an eye

So what
Don't care
Will not
The end

You know you're better than this

Can't make a start got your heart in a headlock,
No I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock
You know you're better than this

Afraid (how can you lose?)
Afraid to start got your heart in a headlock
I don't believe any of it
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock
You know you're better than this.