Who would wear this???

And what's wrong with his pants?

I don't see myself when I look in the mirror
I see who I should be
I don't see myself when I look in your eyes
Thank God for that

I've been playing this song on repeat all day today. These lines keep grabbing at my mind, making me think, making me consider, making me wonder, making me search. I live too much in the 'should's' and it is starting to do me in. In my weird ambivalent state it's hard to know what to do with it and how to change it but, at least I can recognize it.

It has been duly noted and will be worked on when I get out of my neither here nor there phase.

Happy Saint Patricks Day.

Lot's of kissing for the Irish!

I feel like a teenager playing adult games. Somedays I am completely over my head with new guy. Beyond kissing I have no practical idea as to how anything goes.

We have these really normal phone conversations about everyday things from shoes to hairdo's, family and friends. There is a lot of laughter.

Then there are the chats. Well 'how do you do'!! My gosh I have a rather more active imagination that I knew. My boundries are still there though; mainly. It seems rather ridiculous that it is a struggle to keep one's virtual pants on but he can be rather persistent. Good thing I can redirect to other things.

Not having been one to "fantasize' it has been rather stretching to know how to chat these things out. I have nothing in my reality to base things on and end up winging it all. It all seems a bit surreal at times (not really surprising I guess) especially on days we also end up taking on the phone. I will not go there on the phone...that seems somehow dirtier...and he's okay with that.

I think about all of this a lot.
Some days I give myself a headache due to trying to figure things out.
I wonder what I am doing, if I am okay with it, what this means for my head space, how this all works if he truly comes to visit etc. etc. etc.

And here I thought I was fairly normal and boring. One day I may need to find a friend to share more of this with....or not.

Ambivalence is a bitch.


Most things are neither good or bad. I don't have super strong feelings or thoughts about anything much. I am just going throught the motions and doing what is required.

I work. I spend time with friends. I read. I think. I chat to the guy. I go to church.

I don't find anything really exciting as I am still wondering 'what is the point or 'what is the purpose'.

At my jobs (yes more than one) I am doing what I am asked to do but not anything extra. This is not my norm. I generally go above and beyond as that is how I am wired.

I spend time with my friends but would be just as good on my own. I like them. They are amazing people and really fun but I sit there participating on a very surface level. I've got nothing and am just 'there'. It is very weird. I go because it is right and because I know I am in this strange space and need people for a reality check.

I should stop reading and thinking. Or I need to stick to fluff. I do not need to find anymore questions at this time. My brain already likes to try and go non stop. It is very irritating when one is trying to sleep.

Ah, the guy. I am attached and detached....see...ambivalent. This email/chatting thing is fun but somewhat unreal of course. We have progressed to calls (which are only normal...not dirty there), which has made it much more real, but he is far away. He has changed his tune in that at the beginning of our 'fooling around' he was making no commitment to visit or anything but is now trying to find a date that works for him to come here. I like the idea of it yet it panics me at the same time (no surprise) as I did so poorly the last time around and, really, he could be the super freak. This relational crap does my head in.

Lastly church. I go. I leave. I wonder why I am there. I wonder what is the point. I wonder if it matters. I wonder at people's very me-centric attitudes (myself included). Yet in all my questions I know God is real so I keep going through the motions.

I just don't know. I also don't seem to care.

Sigh.