Oh the Questions...(it's a long one)

*Life's been giving me a few kicks in the teeth and therefore I have been slow in answering my questions...

That and I am over thinking.


I delurked over at Desmond's Place so that I could participate in an interview question game. I've read there for a bit and thought that his questions would be beyond fluff and I was right. Yikes!

*(The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate! Then you update your blog with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments unless you don't have a blog). Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five questions.)


1. What is your religious/spiritual background, and how does that affect where you find yourself today?

As a child we were holiday/twice a year church goers though I often attended Sunday school as the parents liked the idea of sending us off so they could sleep (hangovers? sex? who knows). We were taught there was a God. We started attending church as a family when I was entering the troubled teens so that we could have a good grounding. My parents need not have worried as none of us did drugs, got drunk, had sex or committed any crimes. We were good in school and had good friends. I attended youth group with school friends and by the time I left school I found a church that I felt I fit with and attended there until recently.

It was (is?) a charismatic church and it is the place I really discovered God. I learned so much, made good friends and dug in. I was very committed and involved. For a variety of reasons it all went to pot and I left after 8 months of questioning leadership and a variety of other people whose words and actions continuously did not match. It was very hard especially since I lost people that I thought were friends.

As to the sex...My mom always said wait for marriage and, until recently, I thought she had (that was what she told me when I was growing up). Personally God didn't factor in as much to my decision as I was/am most afraid of getting pregnant. I do not have that baby yearning. The idea of being a mom makes me want to throw up. I believe some of this may be due to not being a birth child of my parents. Oh yes, this adds a whole other dynamic :)

I have fond memories of Sunday school and I am certain that that is where I got hooked by God. As miffed as I may be at this point in life I know He's there for me (and all that other good stuff that I cannot wrap my head around right now); full stop.

2. What do you think brought you to the 'strained' relationship you say you have with God these days?

I know there is no promise of an easy life but I do wonder why, specifically, I have this longing for a mate/companion/lover/husband etc. and there has not been much in my life that would lead me to think that there is someone out there for me ( I have other things I wonder about as well but this is the boy blog so...). I have days where it feels like life is a very cruel joke when it comes to the guy thing. At the same time I know in my knower that God is real and that all the qualities/characteristics he possesses are true. The unknown and not being able to control things can be hard for me to find peace with.

My life is not horrible. This blog focuses on the guy/sex thing and can be rather dark and depressing. I have a job, friends, a place to live, I travel, I take classes, I try new things every so often, my family is near and we get along, I enjoy music, good food, movies, reading, learning etc. etc. etc. I see that my life is good. And yet.... My needs are taken care of. I have a good life. And yet...there must be more...

I am not attending church at the moment and it is a very strange thing to not be involved. If I do go I find I am having panic attacks while there and it is all I can do to not jump up and run out. I believe it is a people thing right now. It feels fake and religious and put on. How judgemental am I??? We all have our shit to deal with and we, mostly, seem to want acceptance by those around us and sometimes it all gets to fluffy and superficial. We'll never make everyone happy and, I think, maybe it feels like the churches are trying too hard to make everyone happy.

It is something I am trying to figure out but at the same time I know the reality of God. It is weird. I miss what was but would not go back if it meant laying down and playing stupid.

Maybe I am not chasing after God hard enough? Maybe I am just getting in my own way? Maybe this is the plan for my life and I just better get over myself. Questions, always the questions and the answers are few and far between. I am mostly irritated by the fact that I still believe. I find it annoying. Yes I am slightly nuts.

3. What do you think 'love' really is?

Oh geez....

I keep thinking about this question as I go about my days. I've never come up with a definition that satisfied me and I suppose it is because love is about tangibles and intangibles. It cannot be packaged up neatly or made into a check list. Obviously there is Corinthians 13. Then it's things I see when watching friends in their relationships: picking up a scoop of a favorite ice cream because they were thinking of the other, the slight ruffle of the hair as they wander by the other, the comfort in silence, the laughter, the compromises, both being 100% invested in their relationship, the arguments that get worked through etc. etc. etc.

I over think love way too much and therefore complicate it beyond measure. I can't remember the last time I told someone I love them and that saddens me. I want to mean it when I say it but then start thinking about how I would define it and is that really love or is it something different or.....it goes round and round.

Maybe I have no clue. Maybe that is just another reason to add to the list of why there is no guy. Maybe I love more than I know. Sigh.

My favourite love is the kid version:

"J, I love you".
"How do you know?"
"Cuz. You are fun and funny and you snuggle me."
Simple.

4. I really admire what you said once about 'saving yourself for marriage' - "I'm worth more than that"; do you still feel that way? Do you have regrets about still being a virgin (assuming you are)?

When I step away from my emotions I do still feel that I am worth more than a quick lay. That being said, dear Lord in heaven, I want to have sex. But I want the relationship just as much...99.9% of the time. I am still a virgin but at least I've been (quite) felt up now and I have no regrets about that. Being in my thirties and still being a virgin makes me feel awkward. I don't feel awkward all the time and I can more than carry my own when it comes to conversations about sex (maybe that's why so many people have assumed I getting it).

It's a rather big elephant to carry around and to have to explain/ think about explaining. I haven't really dated much at all and the older I get the weirder it all seems; it is verging on surreal. I hadn't had a proper kiss in, holy hell, 19 years (no wonder I think something is wrong with me) and had never had anyone touch me in any sort of sexual way previous to PJ.

I am entering the slippery slope of age and if I cannot find someone when I am supposedly youthful and averagely attractive how will I find anyone the longer I am on my own. The platitudes of "you are never too old" or "he's out there" are really making me weary especially as they are said by the attached. I am rather tired of it all. And moving toward the land or wrinkles.

So regrets? Yes and no. Yes just for the purely physical. No because it means I haven't settled. Settling is becoming more tempting though. What if I have to be the crazy cat lady?

ps. I don't expect firework that first time out but with lots of practice things should improve :)

5. What happened with PJ? (feel free to disregard this if it pokes you too painfully)

We were good through January which put us at a year. Opportunity for communication was short due to work but we still managed and money was being set aside for a visit. In February things got quieter and I had some moments that caused a few emails I wished I could take back. Nothing outrageous but I pushed. I felt that we'd worked it out and got back on the same page but now I do not know. I recently sent off a long, rational email and am still waiting for a response. We'd always said that if things changed for either of us that we would let the other know yet I wonder if he is disregarding that. I'll wait on it a bit. If I hear nothing, well, it will be time to clean out my head and move on.

Wow. The above makes me sound so calm and realistic about PJ. I am not. I am such a girl and never would have thought it possible of myself. I hurt all over and want to assume the fetal position. I've cried more in the last year than I ever thought I would. I've lost my appetite, this past week, which has only happened before when I've been deathly ill. I hate feeling these feelings. Feeling hurt.

Then again I've learned more about myself and some of my values because he would challenge me on my thinking. He would ask me why and I would have to consider. He made me feel like I am an attractive person. Because of him I know for sure that I have some sort of libido (heh). He helped me really realize that I have a sense of worth because I had to put it into words. Oh, and he kissed me. Rather well I might add.

So, no matter what, I won't find much to regret when it comes to PJ even if things are done. (I suspect more tears will fall though)

Apparently one can not ingest food for 3 days and still jog for 30 minutes (not fast). 2 days later one can still do it but much slower and with more walking.

I want to get away!