FYI: I can't be arsed to fiddle with the post below anymore. For some reason it is posting in different font sizes and for the life of me I cannot get it all to play nice- Ergh!

Trapped in the Questions

As I crawled into bed Sunday night, after a very long and tiring week, I had an ah moment.

I've hit a wall. If only it felt as lovely as this one looks.

I'd felt 'off' all day. I'd been to church, had lunch with friends, chatted with the new guy and then went out for tea with another friend. It was all very normal and some quite good but it was like I was moving through jello, even in the midst of some heated discussions that I chose to get into the thick of.

I've been bashing it around in my head as to what this means. I want to define it as then I can work with it. This nebulous sensation of the wall gives me nothing tangible. I am someone who wants tangible, real, practical, logical and right now I cannot find it.

I am stuck with my feelings and they are hard for me to deal with. Feelings are so irrational and do not make a lot of sense at times. I am living in 'What's the point?' and 'What's the purpose?' and am unable to answer them at this time. If I pull myself back and look with a rational mind I know this is probably a very good place for me to be at but I am not as rational as I would like to be.

I am very tired. I am very detached.

I asked new boy why he is interested and why he keeps coming back for more; chats and phone calls I meant. This is what he said:

A couple of things. You are vulnerable but open. You are enigmatic but honest. Sexy but scared. In short, I am finding you incredibly stimulating which I don't encounter very often.

Um, wow.

You've Got Mail

I got a package from the boy. I wasn't sure if it would come or not after everything that wasn't. I opened my mail and saw the package tag there. I had a big intake of breath then went to claim my parcel. I said thank you and tucked it under my arm before heading back to the car.


Once in the car I panicked. I was all 'Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit' and the only thing I knew was that I had to be with a friend when I opened it. I was clutched by fear in regards to what may or may not have been inside.

So off to a friend's place. She knew about the possibility of the package so recognized right away what I had with me. As I began opening it she commented 'Your hands are shaking'. I looked at them and they were trembling like leaves (and they really were just expressing what was going on inside of me). All the expected things were inside as well as 4 unexpected things. Of the 4 one was a note and it was one had I hoped would be inside. It's not that it said anything much but more the fact that he bothered to try and be nice. It actually felt like his words were tinged with sadness. Whether or not they were I cannot say for sure because I am not 'there' (by which I mean I am not completely objective).

I don't get all of this reactionary stuff, shouldn't it be done, and especially the fact I cannot seem to control it. How did this happen to me? It is an odd place to be in.

Nothing like dragging things out as well.
Moving on....still.

I have no love lost for this day. All my Valentines come from kids every year. It's sweet but really I'd like a grown up one for once.

Instead I find that I monitor what I do on this day. Any other day and I'd go to a matinee, out for tea or whatever caught me but not on VD. Suddenly your all by yourselfness seems to come with a flashing neon arrow. It is completely illogical and irrational but never the less I stay home.

My best Valentines day? The year I decided to rent the first season of Sex and the City, buy myself some wine (Gewurztraminer)and snacks, and curl up on the couch in my pj's. I laughed my head off and forgot to feel sorry for myself. Plus I made four new friends in Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda and went on to convert a number of friends to the show as well.

How sad am I. I saw the first boy online today....it's the first time since some point in December. I totally choked. And felt very sad... Cried even.

Now I believe I may have had too much to drink for the first time in my life.

I do not know if it qualifies as I am very aware of spelling mistakes.

Shit.

dirty girl part II

Okay so slut was a bit of a strong word to use but since I have been wandering a path I've never wandered before it seemed somewhat appropriate for me to say about myself. Comparatively my little path seems tame to other blogs I've read and stories I've heard but as it is not something I've done before and not something I'll be sharing with my general group of friends, or even a really close one, I feel like a dirty girl.

So the new emailing/chatting guy started off fairly tame and innocuous. General talk about jobs, pets, food, life etc. Then the tone changed a little when he discovered that we had a similar sense of humour and one that is not always polite. Yes I can have a dirty mind.


So crass stories and jokes flew back and forth. Then a little innuendo entered the game. Fine. I can play at that game as well. It was all no big deal. Next thing you know I have my 'virtual' top off.

HELLO!

What the hell happened? Where did that come from? How did that happen? Who am I? It turns out that I have an imagination that can run amok in ways that I did not know were in me. I have shocked and confused myself to no end.

I've been ridiculously busy and mainly sticking to commenting. I'll try and explain the dirty girl soon.