Or is it all just down to the fact that the THING is missing?

So I think I drove him away with my non committal ambivalence.

I have been dissecting all of this, of course, and what I have been able to come up with is he's just too good. I don't mean that he's too good for me but that I don't think my sarcasm and dirty humour would mix well with him. I make him laugh with just my regular humour but so far he doesn't make me laugh. I need to laugh or I will be too dark.

He is kind, generous, courteous, there for his family, interesting and all manner of things that are attractive. Other than being very slim he is physically attractive too.

It's fairly rare that someone shows interest in my direction and here I am saying no.
Bugger.



On a more positive note...I have visible collar bones.

sigh. shit. damn.

i can't sleep and i feel this incessant need to talk but it's so late and no one will be up so i am just typing and seeing where it will go.

i know why is one of the worst questions but it sure is the easiest to ask.

why have i gone for so many years without more than a casual glance of interest from the boys and desperately wanting it to now getting minimal interest and not being excited by it? i feel so stupid when it comes to this stuff. i don't know how to do this stuff. it makes me feel inept and very young but not in a good way.

he is so thin. he is a veggie. he is a different religion. he is so positive. he is keen. he believes in himself.

i am not thin (need to lose weight). i am not a veggie (though i don't eat beef or pork). i am a different religion. i tend towards negative/realistic. i am not keen. i don't believe in myself (very little anyway).

i get scared that i want it all too bad but then i get scared that i don't want it at all but am going through the motions because shouldn't everyone want it?

or am i too picky?
and when does giving up some of the things you'd like/hoped for become settling?

i wish i could get my shit together.
in all areas.
but apparently i am a chicken and i let fear rule me.
and so it goes.
gah.

damn it all to hell anyway.