There are times during this whole festive season where I get overwhelmed with mind crushing loneliness. I don't want to be alone and I momentarily think 'I didn't choose this! It's so unfair!'. Then I realize that I have chosen it. I don't want to settle for just anyone (supposing it is easy to get just anyone....I'm told that it is...). Damned standards and minor sense of self.

It's still mind crushing none the less.

And of course I have family and friends but that's not what I mean...

Boy am I a saddo. But how to get a life? How to get what I want? I do not know. I have taken classes that interest me; all women. I go to concerts on my own: never seem to speak to anyone. Go to galleries, events, conferences etc.: errr...nothing. I do not know! So far I haven't tried the internet dating thing. Maybe that should be next?

Ack! I sound like a pathetic loser!! Mind I've just imbibed a bit o' the al-key-hall and this is the year I have found the effect of it. Tipsy, tipsy me! Drownding my sorrows? Not really. Maybe? Nah. Just tired of it all and unsure of wht steps to take. I am scared and tired and getting older bu the moment and just want someone to love me; someone that I love back.

Bah. I AM a whiner. Yuck. I hate it. Crap. What to do, what to do....

A Question of Self

Why am I so unloveable?

That's a thought that slips into my mind every so often and quite a bit over the past weeks. It's a thought I hate and have a hard time sharing because I feel like I am seeking out compliments. I am looking for understanding. I want answers where there do not seem to be any.

I mean loveable in the guy/girl sense. My friends and family love me but I am finally acknowledging that I want a guy to love me, find me attractive and want to be with me.

I look around and wonder what other people have that I don't. What traits and attributes am I lacking? What makes someone appealing? How did he end up with someone? How did she?


If I can remove myself far enough from myself and try to attempt to look at me with a mildly rational and non judgmental mind I see someone who is cute-ish, not thin but not absolutely ginormous either (ie. could lose weigh...in a real sense not just a girl sense...), someone with a good and somewhat dirty sense of humour, someone who has a lot of friends and has kept them long term, someone with some knowledge (I question my smarts when I look at some decisions I've made but I think that is fairly normal for most people to do), someone who's traveled, someone who likes to learn and the like.

So I guess I am rather regular. I'm not stunning in any department but neither am I horrifying . Some rather horrifying people end up with partners/spouses. It all makes me confused.

I don't believe in the one true love/ soulmate thing. I think there are many people out there who we could be compatible with and it just depends who you meet first. Times like this I question that thinking. Maybe, for some, there is just no one. Maybe there is no one for me.

I don't know how to reconcile that within myself. I fought wanting this for a number of years and now I do want it, troubles and all, and it sucks. Sometimes it down right hurts.

Oh ...
I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
Oh ...
.
.
.
And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
If I seem a little strange
That's because I am

But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me

Unloveable lyrics- The Smiths

oh god
is it cheating if you've never defined this thing you are doing?

if so something is seriously wrong with me as I am not as upset as I think I should be.
oh god

oh lord, there's the problem

Doormat 60% Romanticism, 44% Melodrama, 50% Desperation, 40% Uselessness

High Romanticism, Low Melodrama, High Desperation and Low Uselessness - you are the Doormat. You're doing okay here. You may even be in a relationship. People like you. You're easy. Unfortunately, therein lies the problem. [ this test sponsored by the home of Doomed Romantics on the web: Love Is A C*nt ]

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Romanticism You scored higher than 99% on Melodrama You scored higher than 99% on Desperation You scored higher than 99% on Uselessness

Link: The Doomed Romantic Test written by verace on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

My inexperience when it comes to dealing with men as more than friends makes my head hurt. I've read books and watched TV programs and listened to friends but I almost feel like I am wandering around blind.


I find this hard. I want to figure things out. I want to be in control. I want to see and plan. But I cannot do any of that. I have to leave my hands, my head, and (gulp!) my heart open and it freaks me out. I find myself stretched thin. I cannot just call up the guy, PJ, anytime I want and I really can't see him anytime I want. So I get stuck in my own head; wondering, thinking and even worrying.

I'm not a horrendous communicator but I do have a bad habit of thinking things out and then not communicating the entire picture/process. That leads to me having to clarify and explain. This happens in all my relationships and it is something I try to remind myself of, that I need to include the other person/persons more. As well I do not like confrontation and conflict (does anybody?) so I really assess if an issue is necessary to bring up.

Talking with PJ can exacerbate all these for me. Then I feel like a flake and an idiot. Right now there are some questions I think I may have to ask yet it scares me because I might get those answers that I don't want but then again I could just be overthinking it all.

I want easy.
That isn't true life though.
Argh...the fear...
Ooh, my head.

I have to ask myself every so often it this is worth it, if he is worth it. It is still, yes. But I am not sure where he is at right now. It causes me stress and tears.

A Seasonal Joke

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,"Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."