Most things are neither good or bad. I don't have super strong feelings or thoughts about anything much. I am just going throught the motions and doing what is required.
I work. I spend time with friends. I read. I think. I chat to the guy. I go to church.
I don't find anything really exciting as I am still wondering 'what is the point or 'what is the purpose'.
At my jobs (yes more than one) I am doing what I am asked to do but not anything extra. This is not my norm. I generally go above and beyond as that is how I am wired.
I spend time with my friends but would be just as good on my own. I like them. They are amazing people and really fun but I sit there participating on a very surface level. I've got nothing and am just 'there'. It is very weird. I go because it is right and because I know I am in this strange space and need people for a reality check.
I should stop reading and thinking. Or I need to stick to fluff. I do not need to find anymore questions at this time. My brain already likes to try and go non stop. It is very irritating when one is trying to sleep.
Ah, the guy. I am attached and detached....see...ambivalent. This email/chatting thing is fun but somewhat unreal of course. We have progressed to calls (which are only normal...not dirty there), which has made it much more real, but he is far away. He has changed his tune in that at the beginning of our 'fooling around' he was making no commitment to visit or anything but is now trying to find a date that works for him to come here. I like the idea of it yet it panics me at the same time (no surprise) as I did so poorly the last time around and, really, he could be the super freak. This relational crap does my head in.
Lastly church. I go. I leave. I wonder why I am there. I wonder what is the point. I wonder if it matters. I wonder at people's very me-centric attitudes (myself included). Yet in all my questions I know God is real so I keep going through the motions.
I just don't know. I also don't seem to care.
Sigh.
3 comments:
I was at church about a month ago and found myself studying the other people there rather than participating. Like you my brain runs 200mph nonstop constantly analyzing and overanalyzing thoughts that pop in and out of it.
Why do we do that?
I wouldn't worry too much. Ambivalence is fine as long as it doesn't stop you from being decisive at the right time. Just go with the flow for now.
Kow- I just don't know. I'll have to think about that ;)
wdky- must...try...not...to...worry. Oh ya, I'm ambivalent...no worries! :)
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