I feel like a teenager playing adult games. Somedays I am completely over my head with new guy. Beyond kissing I have no practical idea as to how anything goes.
We have these really normal phone conversations about everyday things from shoes to hairdo's, family and friends. There is a lot of laughter.
Then there are the chats. Well 'how do you do'!! My gosh I have a rather more active imagination that I knew. My boundries are still there though; mainly. It seems rather ridiculous that it is a struggle to keep one's virtual pants on but he can be rather persistent. Good thing I can redirect to other things.
Not having been one to "fantasize' it has been rather stretching to know how to chat these things out. I have nothing in my reality to base things on and end up winging it all. It all seems a bit surreal at times (not really surprising I guess) especially on days we also end up taking on the phone. I will not go there on the phone...that seems somehow dirtier...and he's okay with that.
I think about all of this a lot.
Some days I give myself a headache due to trying to figure things out.
I wonder what I am doing, if I am okay with it, what this means for my head space, how this all works if he truly comes to visit etc. etc. etc.
And here I thought I was fairly normal and boring. One day I may need to find a friend to share more of this with....or not.
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4 comments:
No practical idea how things go? I recommend visiting your local bookstore and delving into a good book on it all.
It's all so confusing, the relationship game. It never really gets easier, you know, so feeling unexperienced and awkward is all right. What does get easier is the emotional aspect of things. You start to realize that getting hurt doesn't equal getting dead. Life goes on, and you get stronger, and you learn more about your resilience and inner strength.
We're all vulnerable, but some of us have let our guards down enough to learn that the experiences get richer despite sometimes getting hurt. Keep trying. :)
I mean 'practical' as in actual experience. I've read and talked about it all a lot but it ends up somewhat clinical in my head as I 'remove' myself from it.
I sometimes feel that I am fighting to keep my emotions involved. It is so easy to slip into detachment. I figure that by staying in all the questions, and the feelings of insanity they bring, is better for me as I will never be able figure it all out. Staying in it keeps me present (man this sounds like mumbo jumbo but I do mean it).
I feel very out of the loop. I know; it's my own fault. Sorry. Have you two met yet? You know, like, in person?
No meeting...yet.
He has some work/house things to clear up before jetting off on a world tour.
It turns out that another blogger I read is a friend of his and has confirmed that he is quitting, selling and traveling.
I believed him. But confirmation is always nice.
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