I kind of think they'd all fall over dead if they knew the truth. What I did is so against what a lot of them think of as my character.
When I began this mad journey I mentioned to one friend that thought I had a crush and how silly was that. When the boy said he wanted to meet me I had a minor panic and made some phone calls. Of the 3 people I tried one was at home and had time for me to come over. So another person knew my secret.
But that was it. Two friends were in on my teenager-ness and my happy crazies. I am not a big secret sharer as I have been burned a number of times in the past. Now people need to prove to me that they can be trusted with small things before I can move up to something more delicate in nature. These two have proven themselves and I had to let someone know; what if the boy was a psycho and I just 'disappeared' during my travels?
Oh it was such a good secret to have. It was fun to be around people and think 'If only you knew' and smile a secret smile. It was fun to be developing 'something'.
Looking back I was definitely in self preservation mode. What if it all went pear shaped (as it did)? How would I deal with all the questions?
Instead I've kept it mostly to myself. Instead I've been a hermit. Instead I've been freaking out my friends. I hear in round about ways that a number of them are in discussions about me but so far only one has truly approached me. She gave me a call a couple of weeks ago and did a little prodding and probing, got me crying and then left it in my court; "I am here if and when you need to talk".
We had dinner the other night.
5 comments:
You know, the thing is J, whilst the experience was unique to you, it wasn't a unique experience. In reality, it was one of life's little knocks, and people will understand it for what it was. We all have to deal with similar things, and there's some comfort in knowing that you haven't been in some way "chosen", isn't there?
Maybe sharing this part of your life will equip you to come to terms with whatever else might come along a little more easily in the future?
chosen? as in the only one? i know i'm not.
i know it isn't a brand new thing and that most people have been there-done that. 3 people know and for me that is enough. when i get to the point of laughing and rolling my eyes at myself maybe it'll become general knowledge but i doubt it. i keep things close.
i am changed. how? working that out still but that is just the norm. everything affects us in some small way.
i'm just figuring out how this works for me.
Thta's good, and when I read my comment back I was concerned that it sounded condescending. I didn't mean it to be at all, as I'd hope you would have relised, J.
i had a tiny moment but was pretty sure it was tamer than my first read led me to believe :) tanks.
no harm, no foul!
Tanks indeed.
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