Oh the Questions

I needed a true journal moment....

What the heck are you doing??? Who are you? Sometimes when I look at myself in all this it feels like I am looking at a stranger. This is so bizarre and so surreal and it makes my head hurt. The questions, oh the questions...

shit.

The nice good girl; where did she go? Am I really that bad? Is this really that bad? What's right? What's wrong? How far is too far? I seem to be going a lot further than I ever would have though and other than moments of utter freak out (that seem to pass rather quickly) it all seems alright.

Fumbling. That's what it seems like. Thoughts and emotions not always tracking. Thinking one thing. Wanting another. Which is right? Which is wrong? Is there right and wrong overall or is it more subjective? More something I need to decide? How do I figure that one out???

It's like contantly running two steps behind.

argh.

How ridiculous is this? Am I? Why is it far away I hold a certain appeal but not around here? How difficult does that make all this? Maybe I'm really some huge chicken and like the distance to make it safe, so that there is always a way out

Thinking, thinking, thinking....