There are times during this whole festive season where I get overwhelmed with mind crushing loneliness. I don't want to be alone and I momentarily think 'I didn't choose this! It's so unfair!'. Then I realize that I have chosen it. I don't want to settle for just anyone (supposing it is easy to get just anyone....I'm told that it is...). Damned standards and minor sense of self.

It's still mind crushing none the less.

And of course I have family and friends but that's not what I mean...

Boy am I a saddo. But how to get a life? How to get what I want? I do not know. I have taken classes that interest me; all women. I go to concerts on my own: never seem to speak to anyone. Go to galleries, events, conferences etc.: errr...nothing. I do not know! So far I haven't tried the internet dating thing. Maybe that should be next?

Ack! I sound like a pathetic loser!! Mind I've just imbibed a bit o' the al-key-hall and this is the year I have found the effect of it. Tipsy, tipsy me! Drownding my sorrows? Not really. Maybe? Nah. Just tired of it all and unsure of wht steps to take. I am scared and tired and getting older bu the moment and just want someone to love me; someone that I love back.

Bah. I AM a whiner. Yuck. I hate it. Crap. What to do, what to do....

A Question of Self

Why am I so unloveable?

That's a thought that slips into my mind every so often and quite a bit over the past weeks. It's a thought I hate and have a hard time sharing because I feel like I am seeking out compliments. I am looking for understanding. I want answers where there do not seem to be any.

I mean loveable in the guy/girl sense. My friends and family love me but I am finally acknowledging that I want a guy to love me, find me attractive and want to be with me.

I look around and wonder what other people have that I don't. What traits and attributes am I lacking? What makes someone appealing? How did he end up with someone? How did she?


If I can remove myself far enough from myself and try to attempt to look at me with a mildly rational and non judgmental mind I see someone who is cute-ish, not thin but not absolutely ginormous either (ie. could lose weigh...in a real sense not just a girl sense...), someone with a good and somewhat dirty sense of humour, someone who has a lot of friends and has kept them long term, someone with some knowledge (I question my smarts when I look at some decisions I've made but I think that is fairly normal for most people to do), someone who's traveled, someone who likes to learn and the like.

So I guess I am rather regular. I'm not stunning in any department but neither am I horrifying . Some rather horrifying people end up with partners/spouses. It all makes me confused.

I don't believe in the one true love/ soulmate thing. I think there are many people out there who we could be compatible with and it just depends who you meet first. Times like this I question that thinking. Maybe, for some, there is just no one. Maybe there is no one for me.

I don't know how to reconcile that within myself. I fought wanting this for a number of years and now I do want it, troubles and all, and it sucks. Sometimes it down right hurts.

Oh ...
I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
Oh ...
.
.
.
And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
If I seem a little strange
That's because I am

But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me

Unloveable lyrics- The Smiths