There are times during this whole festive season where I get overwhelmed with mind crushing loneliness. I don't want to be alone and I momentarily think 'I didn't choose this! It's so unfair!'. Then I realize that I have chosen it. I don't want to settle for just anyone (supposing it is easy to get just anyone....I'm told that it is...). Damned standards and minor sense of self.

It's still mind crushing none the less.

And of course I have family and friends but that's not what I mean...

Boy am I a saddo. But how to get a life? How to get what I want? I do not know. I have taken classes that interest me; all women. I go to concerts on my own: never seem to speak to anyone. Go to galleries, events, conferences etc.: errr...nothing. I do not know! So far I haven't tried the internet dating thing. Maybe that should be next?

Ack! I sound like a pathetic loser!! Mind I've just imbibed a bit o' the al-key-hall and this is the year I have found the effect of it. Tipsy, tipsy me! Drownding my sorrows? Not really. Maybe? Nah. Just tired of it all and unsure of wht steps to take. I am scared and tired and getting older bu the moment and just want someone to love me; someone that I love back.

Bah. I AM a whiner. Yuck. I hate it. Crap. What to do, what to do....