My inexperience when it comes to dealing with men as more than friends makes my head hurt. I've read books and watched TV programs and listened to friends but I almost feel like I am wandering around blind.


I find this hard. I want to figure things out. I want to be in control. I want to see and plan. But I cannot do any of that. I have to leave my hands, my head, and (gulp!) my heart open and it freaks me out. I find myself stretched thin. I cannot just call up the guy, PJ, anytime I want and I really can't see him anytime I want. So I get stuck in my own head; wondering, thinking and even worrying.

I'm not a horrendous communicator but I do have a bad habit of thinking things out and then not communicating the entire picture/process. That leads to me having to clarify and explain. This happens in all my relationships and it is something I try to remind myself of, that I need to include the other person/persons more. As well I do not like confrontation and conflict (does anybody?) so I really assess if an issue is necessary to bring up.

Talking with PJ can exacerbate all these for me. Then I feel like a flake and an idiot. Right now there are some questions I think I may have to ask yet it scares me because I might get those answers that I don't want but then again I could just be overthinking it all.

I want easy.
That isn't true life though.
Argh...the fear...
Ooh, my head.

I have to ask myself every so often it this is worth it, if he is worth it. It is still, yes. But I am not sure where he is at right now. It causes me stress and tears.