A Question of Self

Why am I so unloveable?

That's a thought that slips into my mind every so often and quite a bit over the past weeks. It's a thought I hate and have a hard time sharing because I feel like I am seeking out compliments. I am looking for understanding. I want answers where there do not seem to be any.

I mean loveable in the guy/girl sense. My friends and family love me but I am finally acknowledging that I want a guy to love me, find me attractive and want to be with me.

I look around and wonder what other people have that I don't. What traits and attributes am I lacking? What makes someone appealing? How did he end up with someone? How did she?


If I can remove myself far enough from myself and try to attempt to look at me with a mildly rational and non judgmental mind I see someone who is cute-ish, not thin but not absolutely ginormous either (ie. could lose weigh...in a real sense not just a girl sense...), someone with a good and somewhat dirty sense of humour, someone who has a lot of friends and has kept them long term, someone with some knowledge (I question my smarts when I look at some decisions I've made but I think that is fairly normal for most people to do), someone who's traveled, someone who likes to learn and the like.

So I guess I am rather regular. I'm not stunning in any department but neither am I horrifying . Some rather horrifying people end up with partners/spouses. It all makes me confused.

I don't believe in the one true love/ soulmate thing. I think there are many people out there who we could be compatible with and it just depends who you meet first. Times like this I question that thinking. Maybe, for some, there is just no one. Maybe there is no one for me.

I don't know how to reconcile that within myself. I fought wanting this for a number of years and now I do want it, troubles and all, and it sucks. Sometimes it down right hurts.

Oh ...
I know I'm unloveable
You don't have to tell me
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours
Oh ...
.
.
.
And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am
If I seem a little strange
That's because I am

But I know that you would like me
If only you could see me
If only you could meet me

Unloveable lyrics- The Smiths