When life has you down.
That's when people say "Change it".
In this darkened state I can only function, go through the necessary motions of life, a day or two at the time. I don't even see any place to begin a change.
"You need to get out there". I take classes: all women or, if there are men, they are married. I'd like more single friends but the people who seem drawn to me are the marrieds and especially the married with children. I look younger than I am but none the less I am in my mid thirties and as I remember that was pretty ancient to me as a young 20 year old. I go to shows, I've traveled, I wander, I walk and 99% of the time I spend the day or evening in silence. I am quiet and semi introverted by nature. I try but it is hard.
"Do things that make you happy". Somehow I don't think lying in bed all day qualifies and really that isn't making me happy. It helps me survive. I do the things that used to bring me pleasure but they all seem dull right now. Blah.
"Get a different job". Looking back I think I made some not so great decisions in regards to schooling and work but at the same time I don't know whether I feel that way because I didn't do the right thing as far as parents/friends/the world are concerned or if that is truly how I feel. I am so jealous of those that knew what they wanted to do with their lives and where they want to go with life.
I do not know. I don't know that I have even known. I'm not sure if this is reality or fear though. Do I not know? Or am I too scared to admit what I want?
My life isn't awful. I have great friends. I have a job with decent pay. I am clothed, fed and have a place to lay my head. There are good times. There are great moments.
Yet I feel like I m being crushed and I don't understand it. I have all this swirling in y head and am even having a hard time writing it never mind trying to talk to someone. I don't want to burden them. So then I spend more time alone.
Oh the vicious sort of circle it is.
1 comment:
oh, dear. I just found that you had commented at my site so I headed on over here to check you out.
First off, I love your phrase, "thinky thoughts". That is so cute.
Now to respond to what you just wrote. This sounds like classic depression symptoms to me. How do I know? I just went through a period of depression and am now better, thanks to a less stressful situation, the love of my husband and DRUGS from the doctor.
What I did is type depression test into google and take several, three in fact in one day. It was an eye-opening experience. I cried the whole time because I had no idea the things I was experiencing were symptoms of depression. If that is what is happening to you, you need to get help! You don't have to struggle through this sad yucky dark place alone!
On the other hand, I don't know you. Perhaps I am wrong. I did read back into your archives, but that is just a small slice of your life. I'm sorry if what I said offends you or is off the mark.
As for being a virgin late into life, I can understand that perspective too, although I am now married. If you'd like to talk more, you are free to email me at dirtyfilthyprincess@gmail.com.
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