Pj went on a little vacation this past weekend.
I got an email when he arrived back in his new home town:

Best time I've had with my clothes on since I left (his home country).

I have no idea what he's talking about.
*blush*

A year ago today I was on a plane, slightly nauseous with nerves, going to see a boy. It didn't turn out at all like I'd expected or would have liked. I got a semi decent holiday and then spent December with tears in my eyes and with being disillusioned about the world.

Now I am once again looking at getting on a plane to see a guy, my guy, PJ. I have the nevous feeling again but this time it has more to do with the fact he'll be working hard to get into my pants. That and we may need to have some sort of talk about what the hell we are doing. Fun? Yes. Good? Yes. But it's almost a year as well (holy hell!) and I guess I need to have a little definition as to what this all is in his eyes.

Distance is a bugger. That and the fact that he is only sporadically working (contracts) until he finds something more permanent leaves him living a 20-ish life style with so many changes going on that I do not know if he wants anymore than what we have right now. I want more. Who knew. I don't need the more tomorrow but I want it sooner than later. Sigh.


Maybe this is just girl brain over thinking it all. Maybe this is the hormones of the thirties all kicked in. Maybe this is just the next step.

I do not know.
I have never been here before.

For a bunch of reasons it's been a busy month. It even had some rollercoaster moments that added a special dynamic as well.

The boy, PJ, went silent. We'd had a talk, even discussing when we might see each other again and then....nothing. Of course this began a mental flip out for me. I had any number of scenarios running through my head from him being depressed (he doesn't love his new city) to him meeting another girl.

After a talk with a good friend I chose to go with the idea that he might be sad and, possibly, confused and in that frame of mind began a light and funny email barrage. I sent jokes, strange pictures, cheery thoughts and the like and still...nothing. Needless to say my mind was being done in. I cracked after a week and sobbed myself silly. It was a gut wrenching sort of cry; I broke blood vessels around my eyes and threw up. That's never happened before!

I was ready to just give it, and him, up. I was ready to fight my way back to where ever I'd left my cold, unfeeling self and rebuilding those walls. That's how I felt in the moment. I wanted to gather up all the bits of me that have been opening up this past year and hide them away. This stuff hurts.

And then I got an email. One week after the silence began:

You are being extraordinarily quiet

What?! I responded and...nothing. A day later I sent another and...nothing. Good gosh! I finally tweaked to the idea that maybe I was being junked so I did a back door contact through his blog. It turned out that he'd upgraded to a beta version with his email account and it had made me junk. He thought I'd been freaking out and I thought he was freaking out (amongst other things) and it was just a technological error.

And things are good, really good. PJ has asked me to come and see him. I am looking at tickets and time frames that work well for us both. My stomach is all twisty with excitement.