That's my head right now. I don't know. And do I ever hate that. And it make me ramble.I guess I am feeling out of 'it'. I am someone who has a lot of friends, good friends not just acquaintance types, yet right now I feel lonely and alone too much of the time. I am certain part of it is how different my life is from all of their's (married and either pregnant or all ready with kids). I would say 99% of this feeling is me induced. They always ask me to be involved in goings on and I am the favourite among the kids (I am 'the bestest adult friend' and 'I so funny').
I think it is a combo of age (birthday is soonish), wanting a new job, wanting to change where I live and wanting someone to share life with.
I swear I do not have a fairytale ideal in my head when it comes to someone to be with. I've seen the work involved and I've also seen it all fall apart. Along with that I get to see how much fun, connection and, dare I say, love can be involved (ooh, the L word). I don't need this but I sure do want it.
It seems to be a bad case of the blues combined with jealousy and fear with a dash of what the hell on the side. Could I be depressed? Maybe. I am like a leaky faucet right now when I am alone and yet I choose to be alone as I don't want to fall apart around other people. Ugh. They worry or give advice and/or platitudes and this makes me feel guity and grumpy as I really do have it pretty good overall.
I think I am looking at where I am , where I thought I would be and trying to figure out where I want to go. This is ongoing. I've taken workshops, classes, read books and asked questions but I keep coming up blank.
Sigh.
Rambles.
6 comments:
Thinking about this stuff is no mbad thing. But I've always found that when everything else in my life is under conrol, and moving in the direction I want it to, relationships "happen".
I don't think they should be defined too much either, or nothing will ever seem to quite fit the bill. You know, wish lists... I don't like them, personally.
Ugh.
I may be out of luck yet I don't know that I am anymore or less crazed/neurotic/wacky in the head than any of my friends.
Ugh.
My 'wish list' is long gone. I think it had 5 things on it and I've since realized that they were superficial things and if I like the person they don't really matter. That said he could be a greek god but if he has no charater? Spinsterhood it is.
My sister's third husband was Greek. I had to go round with the police in the end and liberate her. Honestly.
So much for the god then.
I'm not that smart in relationships. I'll admit that right from the start. So I'll give you some advice my Dad gave me, because he's a smart guy.
One year, after a particularly high number of horrendous breakups I was talking to him about my frustrations in trying to find someone, anyone!
He told me the reason I was failing was because I was focusing on it too much. He said, "freakangel, focus on yourself for awhile, on the things that will make you a better person. Focus on being happy with who you are by yourself, and the rest will come. Men will look at you, and instead of seeing a frustrated individual, they will see a woman who is going places.
I hate to admit it, but he was right. I only tried his advice after all my other options had run out. As soon as I became the smallest bit happy with myself, people took notice.
Yep, smart man.
I focus on the whole relationship thing here the most. This is my place for all the head thoughts in that direction.
I am slightly less neurotic about it all in regular life :)
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