sigh. shit. damn.

i can't sleep and i feel this incessant need to talk but it's so late and no one will be up so i am just typing and seeing where it will go.

i know why is one of the worst questions but it sure is the easiest to ask.

why have i gone for so many years without more than a casual glance of interest from the boys and desperately wanting it to now getting minimal interest and not being excited by it? i feel so stupid when it comes to this stuff. i don't know how to do this stuff. it makes me feel inept and very young but not in a good way.

he is so thin. he is a veggie. he is a different religion. he is so positive. he is keen. he believes in himself.

i am not thin (need to lose weight). i am not a veggie (though i don't eat beef or pork). i am a different religion. i tend towards negative/realistic. i am not keen. i don't believe in myself (very little anyway).

i get scared that i want it all too bad but then i get scared that i don't want it at all but am going through the motions because shouldn't everyone want it?

or am i too picky?
and when does giving up some of the things you'd like/hoped for become settling?

i wish i could get my shit together.
in all areas.
but apparently i am a chicken and i let fear rule me.
and so it goes.
gah.

damn it all to hell anyway.